Sometime in the last few months a walking ball of dirt and glitter with a dollar sign in her name became the biggest pop star in the world this side of Lady Gaga. How did this happen? Was it hypnotism? A glitter bomb? Some kind of worldwide stupid ray?
Whatever it is, it had to be some kind of diabolical plot. Something we can clearly learn from. And so we decided to take a closer look at the being known as Ke$ha's mannerisms and methods.
Let's jump right in, shall we?
0:05: Say what you will about Ryan Phillippe as an actor. His John Cena impression here is spot on.
0:27: So the first thing we can learn from this is that the secret to being a huge pop star is to look as nervous as possible, like maybe you have a solo in a church play. Good.
0:49: What does she keep looking at? Is it someone who hates America and all it stands for? What it stands for, of course, being this shit.
1:09: Pop-star tip #2: Sing in a language that only somewhat resembles English.
1:23: Was it really such a good idea for her to have backup dancers that look like bad Daft Punk rip-offs while she sings an incredibly terrible Daft Punk rip-off? The mind boggles.
1:57: Pop-star tip #3: The robot always wins the crowds over.
2:28: oh shit I thought she was really gonna collapse there I think she's anemic you guys
2:41: Seriously, aren't these like the hand motions that go with "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands?"
3:06: Huh. I didn't know she played an instrument.
3:17: MY MIND HAS EXPLODED
3:37: I'm very confused now about when she needs and doesn't need a handheld mic. Maybe it's one of her strange alien ways.
4:17: Pop-star tip #4: Confetti.
0:05: And now Phillippe is Cena's character from "The Marine!" Man, he's good!
0:16: Pop-star tip #5: Outdated trends from the '70s (blacklights) plus outdated trends from the '90s (voguing).
0:53: I think the main idea for this performance is, "What if you were watching 'The Gods Must Be Crazy'...on acid?"
1:07: Careful, sound guys. I think she's gonna eat that microphone.
1:57: Pop-star tip #6: Listen to Daft Punk's "Discovery" like, a year ago, and say, "I'm going to basically remake that, but without all the talent and with a lot more obnoxious vocals."
2:31: Pop-star tip #7: Sparklers!
3:06: Pop-star tip #8: Just have no self-respect whatsoever. (For reference, this is the only one you really need to know.)
Comments
While Lady Gaga's "Telephone" plants her firmly in the category of "Villain," Ke$ha's SNL performance without a doubt labels her a "Superhero." Listen wisely.
Posted by: Villainous Godot | April 21, 2010 9:38 PM
On a semi-related note did you guys see SNL's parody of Miracles?
"...Blankets... How do they work?"
Damn sometimes they still got it.
Posted by: Mr. X's Right Hand Man | April 22, 2010 3:04 AM