The Green Lantern: Care Bear

Notable Skills: The lantern shape on his ring can produce an energy capable of incredible, nearly limitless power.

Why it's perfect: Replace the word "lantern" with "heart", "ring" with "tummy", and "incredible, nearly limitless" with "heart-shaped" and there you go.

Sure, he's about three feet taller. And sure, given his weakness to yellow he would become Friendship Bear's bitch. Still, the Green Lantern Corps aren't exactly a tougher crowd. For a career choice, its a lateral step.

Second Choice: Summoning Captain Planet with one ring instead of five.

Superman: Mankind Enslaver

Notable Skills: Speed, strength, heat vision, you know what? The list is too damn long, just look it up.

Why it's perfect: Kal-El always had trouble fitting in among humans. It isn't surprising, he basically lives in a world made out of paper and he's trying to fit in among insects. Its a wonder he doesn't just destroy people all the time.

Have you ever pissed off and get yelled at by some stranger? Some random douchebag on a bad day? Imagine having the ability to turn that stranger into dust with your eyeballs, but instead walking away every time. He must be doing yoga or something because any one of us would tear the planet apart the second some jackass took our parking spot.

We say, go for it. Evil is so much cooler than heroism. You don't have to apologize for anything. You can keep all your Netflix and say the post office lost them. You can eat nothing but pancakes all day and nobody can say shit to you. "What's that Mr. Dentist? I should floss better? I'm sorry, I can't hear you so well because you're dead!"

Since we've already established there's no more Justice League you're safe there. For that matter, how is that stopping him now? Would Superman need to be afraid of a Care Bear or a Harlem Globetrotter? And how much of that Kryptonite stuff can there be on this planet anyway?

Second Choice: We assume Clark Kent can type. Maybe he can finish that steamy romance novella.

Batman: The Jigsaw Killer

Notable Skills: Wealth, inventions, psychosis

Why it's perfect: Fun fact: Did you know that the phrase "batshit crazy" was named after Batman? The guy's missing more than a few squirrels on the farm. The only reason Commisioner Gordon hasn't locked him up is because Gotham cops are lazy and don't mind him getting shot at.

But if he wants to keep punishing the wicked, it's time to put down the mask and pick up the creepy-ass clown doll. It fits so well. If anybody has the money to make these elaborate killing devices it would be him. Torture warehouses don't grow on trees either. It probably could be written off as a business expense, but still, its expensive.

Its not like he would be killing anybody. They'd be killing themselves by their own bad decisions! Or you know, if they couldn't unlock their head in time or something. Or if they couldn't figure out the needlessly complicated puzzle. Hey, you know who'd appreciate being tortured this way? The Riddler.

Plus, the Saw dude died like five movies ago. (Oh, um, spoiler alert, those things go after, right?) Who's still out there killing everybody?

I guess the point is, not only would Batman make a great Jigsaw Killer, he probably already is.

Second Choice: When times are tough a millionaire playboy has got to make ends meet somehow. Maybe he can get a paper route.