0:06

Dr. P: "Fast becoming world renowned for its uniqueness."

KOPhD: You know, of all the statements in this 17-plus minute behemoth, that one may be the most accurate.

0:09

Dr. P: THE NATION'S ONLY TRULY UNDERGROUND MUSIC FESTIVAL SPONSORED BY ITS OWN RECORD LABEL.

0:11

Dr. P: "NO CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP" The Gathering appears to be aiming itself at the Adbusters crowd this year.

KOPhD: Did the Faygo people suddenly get cold feet and pull out? Did they just up and decide to go out of business rather than live with themselves?

0:19

KOPhD: If these guys exemplify "comedians," why do they make me want to cry?

0:20

KOPhD: Blink and you'll miss it, but here it appears their idea of a "sideshow" is a high school dance.

0:41

Dr. P: "Comradery." Seeing as how some kind of spelling error was bound to happen at some point, at least it happened to be a reasonably difficult word.

KOPhD: That's how you spell camaraderie when it's magic.

0:48

Dr. P: "You'll probably get laid." The organizers had better hope that doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.

KOPhD: That thigh-tattoo girl's in for a rough weekend.

0:53

KOPhD: This year's infomercial went for the creepy incestuous overtones way earlier. Might as well get them out of the way, I guess.

Dr. P: It's somehow comforting to know that whoever writes this stuff still hasn't realized how creepy/funny it is to keep mentioning a "giant family" while talking about how much anonymous unprotected sex everyone is having.

0:58

Dr. P: DJ Clay and Dr. Suglene Slamzel are back, and they've brought a token black Juggalo with them. This sort of reminds me of how every black person who appears at a Tea Party rally gets shoved in front of a podium to prove how not racist they are. Come to think of it, the Gathering is basically a Tea Party event from Bizarro World.

KOPhD: The weirdest thing to me is that a guy named Awesome Dre appears to be a low-rent Snoop Dogg impersonator.

1:07

KOPhD: I had no idea you had to drive through green screen country to get to the Gathering.

Dr. P: I really hope this ends up paying homage to Thelma and Louise.

1:22

Dr. P: West side won the Juggalo wars. It's what Tupac would have wanted.

KOPhD: From the posthumous "California Love" Juggalo remix:
"Soon as I stepped on the scene, I'm hearin juggalettes screamin'
Fiendin' for facepaint and alcohol
the life of a west side ninja where cowards die and its all ball"

1:34

Dr. P: He said "framily." I'm guessing that this guy is a DJ in the same sense that I'm a Doktor if you know what I mean.

1:57

KOPhD: I think we can see from this video why Twiztid has gained headliner status. I mean, that is some serious Halloween makeup.

Dr. P: It's like Jacob's Ladder if it were directed by Sam Raimi's retarded cousin and performed by actual mental patients.

2:03

Dr. P: Awesome Dre already stands out as the most competent presenter. I was wrong to write him off as the Juggalo Cousin Oliver.

KOPhD: He can feign interest with the best of them.

2:10

KOPhD: "Rare" in Juggalo-speak means "annually."

Dr. P: Performing the same act at the same venue every single year is no impediment to your appearance remaining a "special and rare occasion."

2:20

Dr. P: RYYYYYYDDDDDAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS!

KOPhD: (Several-second delay) RYYYYDAAAAAS!

2:35

Dr. P: You wouldn't know it from this clip, but Blaze Ya Dead Homie actually closes his live shows with a really effective reworking of "Big Yellow Taxi."

KOPhD: But it's a straight Joni Mitchell cover, none of this Counting Crows bullshit.

2:48

Dr. P: And now, the tender side... of Boondox.

3:02

Dr. P: As a leading member of the International Archnemesis Guild, I'd like to take this moment to remind everyone that if Anybody Killa does in fact become the worst enemy that you've ever had, don't pin that shit on us.

KOPhD: I don't think you can become someone's worst enemy if you go around just killing anybody.

3:15

Dr. P: Have I already started hallucinating? Because that looked like honest-to-God, straightforward, not blatantly moronic rap for a moment.

KOPhD: It's pretty cute that the Juggalos went out and got their own Ja Rule.

3:25

KOPhD: Oh no! Not skullies!

Dr. P: This clip is probably what anyone over forty-five thinks all rap music is actually like.

3:31

Dr. P: Is it just me or does Dr. Slamzel look as though she's been crying?

KOPhD: Yes, the Gathering hurts her. But that's because it loves her.

3:36

Dr. P: There was definitely a twinge of desperation in her cry of "Woo hoo let's go!" I think we might actually get to see a human soul die before this video ends.

3:42

KOPhD: That's how you sign good acts to your festival. Call them "muthafuckahs."

4:02

Dr. P: Method Man is in this? I cannot abide anything that even tenuously links The Wire to ICP.

KOPhD: I dunno, the theme of each human life becoming worth less is a pretty steady through-line between them.

4:38

Dr. P: Tom Green and Juggalos. It's like chocolate and peanut butter. In hell.

KOPhD: Those Vitamin Water anti-jokes are going to go over swell with the facepaint crowd, I can tell.

4:43

Dr. P: So prop comedian and insane racist Gallagher is going to be at an event surrounded by rappers. What's the over/under on a Michael Richards-esque freakout?

KOPhD: I hope he rushes the stage during a performance and tells Twiztid how they're rapping wrong.

4:48

Dr. P: It's good to know that fake-ass Gilligan motherfucker won't be here to besmirch Gallagher's good standing in the Juggalo community.

5:05

Dr. P: Ron Jeremy and Gallagher at the same event? How are we supposed to tell them apart? Without having to look at Gallagher's penis I mean.

KOPhD: If they can get Mario to show up they'll get the hat trick.

5:09

KOPhD: Hahahahaha! Ahhhh.

Dr. P: Sugar Slam says "he does have good dick jokes" but her eyes say "when will the hurting stop?"

5:27

Dr. P:The Gathering is Wild West themed this year. Oh sweet, I LOVE the fucking Eagles man!

KOPhD: Here's hoping Kenneth Branagh will attack it with a giant steam-powered spider.

5:31

KOPhD: I guess building their beat around police siren sounds is the way Kottonmouth Kings show that their weed-smoking ways are just too raw for the law.

Dr. P: I just realized Juggalos refer to each other as "ninja" because it's the closest sounding thing to a certain other word that a bunch of rap-obsessed white teenagers can't get away with saying.

5:39

KOPhD: On a related topic, let's hope the name Brotha Lynch Hung doesn't become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

5:57

Dr. P: Above the Law is playing the Gathering of the Juggalos? Wow, we really are in a recession, aren't we?

KOPhD: And then Warren G! He has apparently not done a good job of regulating...his finances.

6:20

Dr. P: All right, what is Dr. Slamzel's deal? She sounds like she's barely keeping it together. Is she going through cocaine withdrawl? Has she just realized that she will be primarily remembered as an advertising prop for a somehow even more embarrassing version of KISS? Or is she simply such a terrible actress that she can't feign enthusiasm for something she genuinely enjoys?

KOPhD: I'm going to guess it's unrequited love for an absent Haystak.

6:52

KOPhD: Apparently the proper attire for Juggalette Ladies Night is cutoff Daisy Dukes with the pockets hanging out.

Dr. P: Feminist scholars are bitterly divided over whether or not "Juggalette Ladies Night" constitutes a gain for their movement.

KOPhD: I think the fact that it's on the second stage and that they're inviting horny Juggalos to it should answer that question definitively.

7:19

KOPhD: I hear Ill E. Gal is in the running to be the first female "Punch-Out!!" character.

7:27

Dr. P: Sugar Slam went to high school with Tila Tequila. That factoid answers questions I didn't even know I had.

KOPhD: That high school must have specialized in some kind of reverse education.

7:45

KOPhD: I'm guessing this is part of Lil' Kim's court-ordered public service.

Dr. P: I suppose I should be taken aback that Lil' Kim is appearing at this event, but after the bombshell that was Method Man, they could say Elvis Costello was going to appear and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised. Hell, he even looks a bit Juggalesque on the cover of "Spike."

8:21

KOPhD: And suddenly...a Sugar Ray video!

8:30

Dr. P: DAMN IT GATHERING STOP THROWING OUT ACTS I UNIRONICALLY KIND OF LIKE DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD YOU'RE MAKING THIS

KOPhD: I wonder if Kevin Smith will make a surprise appearance.

8:52

Dr. P: Big B seems to present himself as a rap version of Popeye.

KOPhD: You'd think "act that follows Coolio" wouldn't be that hard of a bill to fill, but here we are.

9:08

KOPhD: What happened to "no corporate sponsorship," guys? Huh?

Dr. P: Awesome Dre's sunglasses technique will be the Sensational Animated GIF Find of 2010. Mark my words.

9:14

Dr. P: "My mama always said that there ain't no two Juggalos alike, truthfully."

9:19

Dr. P: Juggalos are like snowflakes. Every one is different, but only in small, meaningless ways that don't really matter to anyone who has to put up with large amounts of them. Also, they're both almost universally white.

KOPhD: A contrasting taste in music was just presented as a difference among people whose one key shared trait was musical preference. I need to lie down.

9:26

Dr. P: Independent musicians from every single genre? Does this mean I can look forward to Aimee Mann onstage with the boys kickin' the Faygo?

KOPhD: "Ian MacKaye on stilts, y'all!"

10:30

Dr. P: This... this is actually a pretty damn decent line up they've got here. I mean, Slick Rick? Am I being Punk'd?

KOPhD: I have a feeling that in the middle of performing "It Takes Two" for Juggalos, Rob Base is going to spontaneously combust.

10:52

KOPhD: "All around the fuckin' blizzock." I swear I think somebody wrote this copy just to see if they could get the announcer to quit right there on the spot.

10:55

Dr. P: Helicopter rides are back, although they are apparently noticeably less crazy than last year.

KOPhD: You have to have a permit for that.

11:16

KOPhD: "Oh, don't worry Slick Rick, this is a professional festival for professionals. Hed PE and Vanilla Ice will be there!"

Dr. P: Vanilla Ice and Method Man at the same event should probably cause some kind of antimatter reaction that destroys the universe.

11:27

Dr. P: "The Alfred Hitchcock of hip-hop." In that he's extremely fat?

KOPhD: You don't remember all those Hitchcock movies that were so grainy it was impossible to make out what was going on?

11:40

Dr. P: "We got midgets for ya."

KOPhD: Whew! Dodged a bullet there.

12:21

Dr. P: I like how Corporal Robinson, maybe the biggest name involved in this thing, is pretending to hitchhike to his own event.

KOPhD: What is that blanket thing he's carrying around? Some kind of wrestling blanket? Or is he just homeless and that's what he sleeps on?

12:39

Dr. P: ...and boy are my arms tired! Oh, that wasn't where you were going with that? I'll just see myself out then.

12:58

KOPhD: Good to know that Corporal Robinson isn't such a stuck-up athlete type that he can't have a cigarette with him at all times, including during public speaking events.

13:08

Dr. P: Willis will be wrestling at the Gathering of the Juggalos. Is this what they meant by "miracles?"

KOPhD: Gary Coleman actually seems to have had the preferable fate.

14:09

Dr. P: A bunch of drunken, burly men wrestling outdoors at four in the morning while scrawny rednecks peer at them with flashlights? Sounds like an evening at King O's place! HEY-O!

KOPhD: We do have fun.

14:50

Dr. P: Juggalos have been waiting for Big Money Rustlas for over ten years? Seriously? Well, at least it's still probably going to be less disappointing than Avatar.

KOPhD: At least they managed to score a theatrical release of one showing on one screen.

14:59

KOPhD: Even that horse wants to kick the shit out of the words "Psychopathic Records."

Dr. P: This is the least promising opening credit since "In association with Hasbro."

15:02

KOPhD: Here's where I would talk at length about how 1837 was the very earliest days of the American Old West, and how very few areas would have the infrastructure shown in this trailer, and the West would certainly not have been the West Coast as ICP seems to believe, since the first gold rush wasn't until the late 1840s, but it seems like a wasted effort, so.

15:14

Dr. P: RECORD SCR- wait, it actually did that? Seriously? Goddamn.

KOPhD: Is that Richard Moll? Bull, how far you have fallen.

15:20

Dr. P: Well it's nice to know SOMEONE is laughing at this.

15:36

KOPhD: Based on the number of slaps so far, I'm going to guess that gag's in the movie...let's say, 400 times.

15:46

Dr. P: Hey, Pedro from South of the Border landed himself a movie role!

15:55

Dr. P: Interesting tidbit, Daniel Day Lewis was briefly considered for the role of Sherriff Sugarwolf, but had to back out due to scheduling conflicts.

KOPhD: It's probably for the best. They needed a lighter touch for this role.

16:14

KOPhD: It looks like they went all out with these 1990s-style "Mac n Me" Christian straight-to-video titles.

16:23

Dr. P: Ha! That was even funnier the third time!

16:48

KOPhD: Make that 600 slaps.

Dr. P: Yeah, I know how that guy feels.

KOPhD: They literally ended the trailer with a whimper. Wow.

17:04

Dr. P: "I'd put that on my nuts, bitch." Wait, why did we bother mocking this again?

KOPhD: "The greatest time you motherfucker will ever have." Either the announcer was so tired and upset he just skipped the commas or that is the worst sentence I have ever heard.

17:11

Dr. P: "Tickets also available at Hot Topic." Well of course they are.

17:16

KOPhD: It's gonna be hard to have a Ladies Night when you're requiring everyone to grow testes.

17:22

Dr. P: Wait, I thought it was music that was magic, pure and clean. You can't even hold it. It's just there in the air.

Man, I'm hungry.

KOPhD: Don't forget rainbows and pelicans and children and magnets. Juggalos "makes" all those things happen, man.