International Society of Supervillains tag:www.the-iss.com,2008://1 2008-05-01T22:27:00Z Movable Type 3.35 Time Warp 2005: Chuck Norris Facts Redux tag:www.the-iss.com,2008://1.418 2008-05-01T22:18:39Z 2008-05-01T22:27:00Z Though his presidential candidate went down in flames this year, Chuck Norris has been making a resurgent comeback. In honor of this, we decide to go back and re-write some of the Internet-based jokes for which he was so popular a few years back. Enjoy. Doktor Maxwell von Puppykicker the Third Though his presidential candidate went down in flames this year, Chuck Norris has been making a resurgent comeback. He's got a column on some conservative website, even. In honor of this, we decide to go back and re-write some of the Internet-based jokes for which he was so popular a few years back. Enjoy.
  • There is no chin under Chuck Norris’s beard. Wait, yes. Yes, there is a chin under Chuck Norris’s beard. Sorry for any confusion caused by my previous comment.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He just stares them down until he gets the information he wants. That usually doesn’t work, so he reads the Spark Notes.
  • I saw this Chuck Norris movie, and this European guy was all like “time to die Chuck Norris” and Chuck was all like “no YOU die” and then he kicked him right in the face holy crap it was awesome.
  • When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn’t pushing himself up. He no longer has to thanks to the unique fitness regiment that’s only available as part of the Bowflex™ Home Training System. And now YOU can too with only ten easy payments of $14.99!
  • Chuck Norris’s chances of appearing in a good film looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
  • I have a friend who works at McCain campaign headquarters who swears that he saw Chuck Norris hanging outside begging for work.
  • Chuck Norris’s tears can cure… oh, you’ve all heard that one? Well how about guns don’t kill people Chuck… that too huh? I’ll just see myself out then.
  • Chuck Norris (born Carlos Ray Norris Jr.; March 10, 1940) is an American martial artist, action star, and Hollywood actor who is known for action roles like Cordell "Cord" Walker on Walker, Texas Ranger, his training with Bruce Lee and for his iconically tough image.
  • Chuck Norris once wrote a book in which the protagonist roundhouse kicks a gator to death. Oh wait, that’s not a joke.
  • You know why Chuck Norris jokes are dead? Chuck got pissed off about all the people talking about him so he roundhouse kicked them all to death. Also, everyone on earth has been forwarded them nine times.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t just accomplish common tasks; he goes about them in a humorously exaggerated manner that emphasizes his rugged nature.
  • Chuck Norris is currently filing suit against us for profiting off of his likeness.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t have anything on Swayze.
    • cautionarytalesofswords@gmail.com]]> Possible Ways "Battlestar Galactica" Could End tag:www.the-iss.com,2008://1.417 2008-04-20T21:23:16Z 2008-04-23T01:52:49Z The last season of "Battlestar Galactica" has begun, and nerds everywhere who actually watch the show for the plot and not the hot chicks beating each other up are speculating wildly about what might happen in the end. Will the crew find Earth? What's all that religious mumbo-jumbo? Who's the last Cylon? We have a few guesses as to how things might turn out. King Oblivion, Ph.D. The last season of "Battlestar Galactica" has begun, and nerds everywhere who actually watch the show for the plot and not the hot chicks beating each other up are speculating wildly about what might happen in the end. Will the crew find Earth? What's all that religious mumbo-jumbo? Who's the last Cylon? We have a few guesses as to how things might turn out.
    • After completing his mission of guiding the Galactica crew to Earth, Dr. Sam Beckett jumps out of the body of Kara "Starbuck" Thrace and into the body of Roland Haliwell, a black sharecropper who is facing a lynch mob in 1920s Alabama. "Oh boy," he says.
    • Upon their arrival to Earth, the crew and the Cylons discover that the planet has become inhabited by highly intelligent apes. Upon realizing they are actually in the crappy Tim Burton version of the movie, they decide they were better off just wandering through space and leave.
    • That robot dog from the 1978 "Battlestar Galactica" series awakens to discover he had dreamed the whole thing.
    • In a huge twist, the final Cylon is revealed to be everybody. Then, everyone also turns out to be a werewolf.
    • A final external shot of Galactica zooms out to reveal that the ship is actually an autistic boy's toy. Then, the autistic boy turns out to be a Cylon and a werewolf.
    • The 14-episode-long "Who shot Admiral Adama?" plot finally concludes with the revelation that Colonel Tigh did it, just like the way it was shown in the first episode of the season. Because the writers took so long to resolve this sub-plot, all other plots (the war with the Cylons, the search for Earth) are dropped and the show ends anticlimactically.
    • The crew finds Earth to discover it is the mid-1980s. They do their best to fit into human society, and a spin-off show featuring Lee "Apollo" Adama begins, in which he and two roommates have to convince their landlord that they are Russian immigrants or they can't keep their apartment. At the end of each episode, Apollo looks at the camera, shrugs his shoulders and grins goofily before the frame freezes.
    • The Cylons take off their masks and a curtain raises to reveal that the crew was really in a studio the whole time and this was all a big prank set up by friends in honor of President Laura Roslin's birthday. Everyone has a big laugh and a piece of cake.
    • The Galactica turns out to be a werewolf. Also, space is a werewolf.
      • KingOblivionPhD@the-iss.com]]> From the Metro City Tourism Board Official Brochure, Circa 1991 tag:www.the-iss.com,2008://1.416 2008-04-08T01:06:29Z 2008-04-08T02:13:20Z Why not go to Metro City for your next vacation? It's like Detroit, but more...urban. King Oblivion, Ph.D. Welcome to beautiful Metro City! Nestled between a lush forest and the foamy waves of the Atlantic, our fair city has a grand history. We're the birthplace of the tire iron, are known worldwide for our sporting events (such as wrestling, knife throwing and elevator boxing matches), are home to the well-known Mad Gear group of civic activists and are known worldwide for our culture, including the funky beats of those Notown records from the 1960s and 70s. You'll always be jumpin' in Metro City! We've been described in "Conde Nast Traveler" as "...certainly...a place...to stop...in America." But enough talking! Why don't we introduce you to your tour guide, who will show you all the sights of the city that Newsweek called one of America's top 10!* damnd.PNG Hey! Damnd here, ready to take you to every corner of Metro City there is to see! Trust me, this city will knock you out...with attractions! Also, I may punch you in the gut. Let's start our tour on the first level...um...that is, on the city's historic western edge! Slum Don't let the name fool you. Slum, my neck of the woods is one part of Metro City that's on its way up! Visitors love the view of the city skyline, as well as our rustic phone booths and low-income housing complexes. And you never know who may bust through a wooden door to give you a big hug! (It might just be me!) Slum? More like slam! Dunk! Of fun for you! West Side A quick subway ride across town will take you to our lovely downtown park and one of my favorite parts of town to stop into a local business and pick up a nail sandwich (don't let the name fool you; they're more like tacks): the West Side! The heart of Metro City's night life, the West Side is full of restaurants and bars where you'll see any number of interesting characters, like a pink haired lady who may not be a lady at all! But don't worry about your safety -- the police diligently patrol West Side nights, and just to make sure things are safe, they may even give you a little bump with their billy club! Just go with it. Let me take this opportunity to discuss Metro City's acclaimed public transportation system, since I mentioned it earlier. Sure, there's only one track and it's really likely that you will be beaten senseless, but where else have you ever seen a samurai with a crazy sword beat up the mayor in a wrestling ring? Nowhere, that's where. NOTE:
      carbusting.PNG Parking within the city is widely available, and cheap!
      Industrial Area It's always a hot time in Metro City's hard-working industrial area! Seriously, you will likely be burned. But don't let that stop you from seeing our glorious downtown at the top of our seemingly never-ending freight elevator! And as a bonus, once you reach the elevator's top, our own military hero Rolento may even put on a fireworks show for you! Bay Area If waterfront views and gorgeous sunsets are on your agenda, then you better be sure to stop in Metro City's Bay Area, a place where virtually everyone goes to spend the evening on the approximately seven miles of bay-side walkway! You can also get a good look at our greatest landmark, the Statue of Please God Don't Hurt Me Please Please Please, the old Marble lady who holds a shiv out to the world outside. While you're here, why not take a leisurely motorcycle ride or hide inside some tires? Trust us, you'll love it. One visitor, who goes by the name of Abigail, literally turned red with happiness here! MAYOR MIKE HAGGAR SEZ:
      haggar.PNG "I will literally grind your face into the sidewalk if you don't enjoy a relaxing stroll on our picturesque seaside promenade!"
      Uptown Finally, we're making a stop in Metro City's business and commerce district, the shining jewel in the heart of America's city. Here, you will have a final showdown with the crazy wheelchair guy who kidnapped your girlfriend and/or daughter. He will try to shoot you with a harpoon gun, but you'll get the better of him and throw him out of a penthouse window. Just don't forget that roundhouse kick. (Attack + jump). Well, that's it for me! Enjoy your vacation in Metro City, and I'll just sign off by laughing ominously! Ah-hahahahahahahaha! *Places Where You Will Be Beaten KingOblivionPhD@the-iss]]>       Our April Fools' Fake Index Page tag:www.the-iss.com,2008://1.415 2008-04-02T16:02:43Z 2008-04-08T01:05:59Z We were just kidding. We're not becoming a International Space Station site until next year. The Villain High Council here.]]> Passe Places to Commit Suicide tag:www.the-iss.com,2008://1.414 2008-04-01T02:16:31Z 2008-04-01T19:53:44Z So, you've decided to end your own life. Congratulations. I'm impressed with your rare combination of can-do attitude and maudlin self-absorption. Doubtlessly, you will want your last act on this mortal coil to grandly remind everyone how much they took you for granted, but in today's media-savvy society the classics just don't grab the attention they used to. The Indomitable Professor Universe So, you've decided to end your own life. Congratulations. I'm impressed with your rare combination of can-do attitude and maudlin self-absorption. Doubtlessly, you will want your last act on this mortal coil to grandly remind everyone how much they took you for granted, but in today's media-savvy society the classics just don't grab the attention they used to. As a supervillain, I'm more than happy to lend a helping hand in your demise as it would count toward my lifetime death toll, something we supervillains keep track of and compare in friendly competition at our many seminars and conferences. Now then, in the spirit of quid pro quo, the following are some amateur mistakes to avoid. Bridges, be they suspension, truss, or even cantilever I understand the temptation here. They are large, impressive triumphs of human ingenuity. A true spectacle. Who wouldn't want to end it all at such an awe-inspiring location? Well, the answer to that question should be you, you big Drama Queen. Talk about overdone. You know, there's a documentary about people doing the old autocorpse routine at the Golden Gate bridge? Guess what, it sucked. 19 deaths in an hour and a half, of which I remember zero. And you think your precious little goodbye-cruel-world leap off the safety barrier is going to be remembered? Not a chance. Suggestion: Do it on the field of play at a big sporting event, preferably midfield on a high attendance day. Here YOU are the spectacle, not the venue. Portability will restrict your weapon of choice to a pistol, or maybe a knife if you genuinely hate yourself. But, if you do manage a hanging death at a non-domed stadium I'll buy the casket myself. And for Christ's sake pick an important team. No need to waste your last hurrah on the Miami Dolphins. Waterfalls and other natural wonders Unless you're an outdoorsy type I recommend against this. I mean, it's one thing if you're into conservation and the whole ashes to ashes bit, but as you're likely an 8-hours-a-day-TV-habit type with about as much mind for environmentalism as the average hobo, why kid yourself? I point you to the St. Anger Principle in which one's lifestyle determines one's deathstyle. Choose something more specific and appropriate. While suicides at Niagara Falls may cast a dark cloud over a few Honeymooners' afternoon, it lacks personality. Not to mention that sometimes bodies are not easily found and it may be days or weeks before someone notices you're gone. Remember your suicide fundamentals: if people think you're still alive, you haven't done your job. Suggestion: Fill your entire domicile with televisions and tune them all via TiVo or DVD to episodes of "Lost." Dress in your most bedraggled, plane-crash-survivor reminiscent clothing. Open your veins (player's choice on instrument) and in your own blood scrawl a cryptic message like "Sayid knows..." By 8AM the next day your death will have spread to every corner of the internet mistaken for gruesome viral marketing. Act quick, this could be a popular one. Garages, or carholds You know the old song & dance where someone starts their car with the garage door closed and waits for exhaust fumes to bring loss ofconsciousness and eventually brain death. It's been a popular heartstopper for years due to its ease of implementation and relative painlessness outside of mild hallucinations and shortness of breath. However, as in the fitness world so goes the ethos of self-termination: no pain, no gain. You can't achieve longstanding infamy without an innovative deep-sixing. Of course, one of the major drawbacks of this particular form of suffocation is that it's nowhere near foolproof. First, most people know jack shit about cars and the last thing we need is some hipster douchebag in a Prius wondering why the carbon monoxide hasn't kicked in yet. Second, CO poisoning is a time-consuming process, allowing plenty of time for loved ones or even neighbors to notice something's amiss. No, the automobile is pretty much a dead end until we get hover cars. But then I got plans. Big plans. Suggestion: Since you seem so set on taking a passive role in the process, I was going to suggest building an elaborate suicide machine that would allow you to not actually deal the death blow, but make sure the job was done correctly. Unfortunately, some forward-thinking motherfucker in Australia just offed himself in his own driveway via some complicated remote rig with a pistol. Fired four rounds into his head. Gentlemen, the bar has been raised. [And this has been all over the news, proving my fucking point. Innovation = international notoriety.] The only way to top this guy is to build a trebuchet and hurl yourself into the next life. Find and join your local Society for Creative Anachronism, they'll be more than happy to help with plans and construction. You may want to be a little cagey concerning your ultimate objective, though. If they start asking questions, bolt and hope you can finish the construction on your own. But, if you play your cards right you could experience airborne self-deliverance on the grounds at a Renaissance fair. In a tunic and leggings, no less. Exquisitely appointed bathrooms Note the full title. I actually have quite a fondness for seedy motel bathroom jobs. There's a gritty realism to it that will never fade, like a Jim Thompson novel. It's the whole wealthy-executive-slits-own-wrists-in-antique-Italian-marble-bathtub deal that seems awfully 1986. What's with the shrinking violet act? If you've got money and influence act like it. Suggestion: Pull a Budd Dwyer and call a press conference. This is one case where the it's-been-done argument does not apply. America will never get sick of televised death. We got our first taste of blood with Oswald and we've been ravenous for it ever since. The room will be full of TV crews and photographers so the whole thing will be professionally documented. On one hand it'll will traumatize some people for life, but on the other it will inspire decent music. After all, ol' Budd was on the cover of the first Neurosis record and Rapeman wrote a song about him. Contribute to the arts, you selfish jerk. professoruniverse@gmail.com]]> Spring Training at a Glance: The National League tag:www.the-iss.com,2008://1.413 2008-03-25T23:22:36Z 2008-03-26T00:12:08Z For everyone not in Japan, the baseball season is right around the corner. In the second part of our spring training recap, The-ISS sees what the Cactus League revealed for the teams that let their pitchers "bat." Darth Obvius Wherein we take an equally comprehensive and balanced look at the status of the Senior Circuit's 16 teams. EASTERN DIVISION
      • ATLANTA: Facing an identity crisis since there's a fiercely heated rivalry in the division and they're not a part of it.
      • FLORIDA: Feel free to make your own fish joke here. My favorite is "This year's Fish will be flounder-ing."
      • NEW YORK: Hired Darryl Strawberry as a special instructor, presumably to teach David Wright and Jose Reyes how to use drugs, evade taxes and beat wives.
      • PHILADELPHIA: Once Brad Lidge returns from surgery, expect the Phillies' blown-save rate to increase by a factor of 12.
      • WASHINGTON: Las Vegas bookies are taking bets that this year Elijah Dukes will be the first MLB player to be a homicide victim. The odds currently stand at 3:2.
      CENTRAL DIVISION
      • CHICAGO: Starting pitcher Ryan Dempster has gone on record saying that this is the year that the Cubs will finally break their Curse and go to the World Series (and win, too). With Ryan Dempster as a starting pitcher don't hold your breath, Cubs fans.
      • CINCINNATI: Jay Bruce has been heralded as the No. 1 best prospect in all of baseball. Now all they need are 24 other players and they might have a shot.
      • HOUSTON: Calls placed to the Orioles when Miguel Tejada showed up on a list of steroid users that was published minutes after the Astros traded for him were met with the recorded message "SUCKAHS!"
      • MILWAUKEE: Placed Prince Fielder on a strict diet after pop flys began getting caught in the pull of his gravitational field.
      • PITTSBURGH: Their fans are clamoring for wins; the Pirates, like some other pirates, are disinclined to acquiesce to their requests.
      • ST. LOUIS: Reports say their best starter may be Adam Wainwright. Not to knock converted closers (or, rather, "closer"—Derek Lowe), but when your best starter is one, you need help. Fast.
      WESTERN DIVISION
      • ARIZONA: In the past, Billy Beane has shown a knack for getting rid of good pitchers right before their expiration dates. If I were a Diamondbacks fan, I'd start worrying about Dan Haren right about now.
      • COLORADO: The Whitest Ballplayers U'Know look to extend their 10-game unbeaten streak vs. National League teams. (Fearless prediction: they won't.)
      • LOS ANGELES: Brought in Joe Torre for his eight years of experience at not winning the World Series and .471 record while managing teams that do not have the highest payroll in baseball.
      • SAN DIEGO: The biggest question about the Padres remains the bullpen: namely, why does Cla Meredith have that missing "Y" in his name? Did he lend it to teammate Clay Hensley? Have it surgically removed? WHAT?
      • SAN FRANCISCO: With Barry Bonds out of the way, this is 40-year-old Omar Vizquel's team now. In the outfield, Randy Winn looks to have a breakout year.
      Darth Obvious can regularly be found at gbfos.blogspot.com ]]>       Spring Training at a Glance: The American League tag:www.the-iss.com,2008://1.412 2008-03-19T23:35:38Z 2008-03-20T00:08:16Z Pull up those stirrups, America's national pastime is back. What can fans, and Congressmen, expect this season? The-ISS takes a sneak peek. Darth Obvius Wherein we take a comprehensive and balanced look at the status of the Junior Circuit's 14 teams. EASTERN DIVISION
      • BALTIMORE: After trading Erik Bedard, the Orioles are now guaranteed to lose 5 out of every 5 games instead of 4 out of every 5 games.
      • BOSTON: With a slew of consecutive postseason appearances and 2 championships in the last 4 years, the Red Sox now look more like the Yankees than the real Yankees do. Nintey-five percent of their drunken fans revels in this; the other five percent see this as troubling and worrisome.
      • NEW YORK: As their ability to win decreases, the chutzpah of the Yankees' front office rises proportionally. Plus: Alex Rodriguez continues in his quest to amass enough money to buy his own country.
      • TAMPA BAY: Some say this is the year the Rays finally break .500. Their biggest offseason acquisition was Cliff Floyd. Apparently, all that separated the Rays from a 66-96 season and a winning season was the lack of an aging, gimpy, backup outfielder.
      • TORONTO: Held on to Roy Halladay and thus are mathematically guaranteed to finish ahead of Baltimore .

      CENTRAL DIVISION
      • CHICAGO: The best reason to spend time in the Cell this year will be not athletic competition but the entertainment value, also known as Ozzie Guillen.
      • CLEVELAND: Suffice it to say that last year's top-rated Joba vs. The Midges match has given the Indians some interesting ideas ...
      • DETROIT: Pissed that the Mets stole the distinction of Biggest Blockbuster Trade of the offseason from them, and thusly motivated. Except for Gary Sheffield, who is motivated by general anger.
      • KANSAS CITY: Still the same old Royals. I don't think a joke's really needed here.
      • MINNESOTA: Relying on Francisco Liriano to be the next Johan Santana and lead them back to contention, forgetting that they couldn't contend even with Santana last year.

      WESTERN DIVISION
      • LOS ANGELES: Paid Torii Hunter $90 million to play in an outfield that already contains Vladimir Guerrero, Gary Matthews, Jr. and Garret Anderson, thus making Hunter the highest-paid reserve in baseball history.
      • OAKLAND: In an effort to prevent a reoccurrence of last year's losing record (the Athletics' first since 1998), Billy Beane has been spotted applying Teflon to his wallet.
      • SEATTLE: Were in the Wild Card race for about a week last year. If they're planning to do so again, they will have to overcome Richie Sexson.
      • TEXAS: One day, the Rangers will have good pitching. And one day, the Sun will go out.

      Darth Obvious can regularly be found at gbfos.blogspot.com ]]>       Other Blogs Soon To Stereotype Non-Minority Groups tag:www.the-iss.com,2008://1.411 2008-03-12T01:30:27Z 2008-03-12T02:46:03Z The often-hilarious blog Stuff White People Like has taught us (along with years of watching Comic View), that it's okay to stereotype people, just as long as they're not traditional minorities. With that in mind, we've decided to go ahead and create a few more blogs that follow in the footsteps of Stuff White People Like, a blog white people love, because they hate themselves. King Oblivion, Ph.D. The often-hilarious blog Stuff White People Like has taught us (along with years of watching Comic View), that it's okay to stereotype people, just as long as they're not traditional minorities. With that in mind, we've decided to go ahead and create a few more blogs that follow in the footsteps of Stuff White People Like, a blog white people love, because they hate themselves. Men: Am I Right? In this blog, the writers will describe the many things men do that would cause someone to look at others and exasperatedly say, "Am I right, folks?" For instance, they are dumb. They watch sports, which are dumb. They leave the toilet seat up! They drink beer, and sometimes it gets on their shirts. Oh, and they fart! Am I right? Things People Who Aren't Vegetarians Eat This blog a nothing but a pages-long list of things that people who aren't vegetarians eat. Here's an excerpt: hamburgers, chicken, chicken burgers, waffles made of ham, sausage, Polish sausage, Italian sausage, sausage from Sausageland (also known as Germany), Belgian waffles made of Canadian bacon, deer, mollusk, snake, rabbit, bat, parakeet, walrus, sasquatch, vegetables in the shape of meat, Mexicans, their own arms, scrapple. What's That Christian Wearing? A fashion blog in which the authors look at pictures of Christians they found online and try to figure out what they're wearing. In most cases, the conclusion is that it's some kind of skirt, or maybe a pantsuit. Look At Me! I'm Not Handicapped! If there's one thing that we can all agree on when it comes to people who have full use of all their limbs and motor functions, it's that they can't get enough of themselves. "Look at me!" they all say. "I'm parking a considerable distance from the door at Target! Because I can!" This blog takes those people to task for their hubris. Heterosexuals Almost Never Fuck People of Their Own Sex, and Other Observations Other observations include:
      • Heterosexuals rarely have subscriptions to "The Advocate"
      • Heterosexuals sometimes wear clothes that don't fit them properly
      • The general lack of heterosexual pride parades seems to indicate some sort of self-doubt
      • Heterosexuals are not gay, for the most part
      KingOblivionPhD@the-iss.com]]>       Lines From Patrick Swayze Movies That Intimidate Cancer tag:www.the-iss.com,2008://1.410 2008-03-07T02:17:08Z 2008-03-10T02:06:46Z Cancer, apparently, hasn't seen "Roadhouse." If it had, this disease would know when to stay home. Because Patrick Swayze doesn't take guff from cancer. M. Tyrone Darklord Lines from Patrick Swayze movies that intimidate cancer:
      • Little hand says it's time to rock and roll.
      • This is my dance space. This is your dance space. I don't go into yours, you don't go into mine.
      • Where you gonna get the dough, li'l man?
      • You are a fear prisoner. Yes, you are a product of fear.
      • Hey, go hump your Saint Bernard, scum-nuts.
      • Ready or not, here comes mama!
      • You shouldn’t play with sharp objects.
      • Pain don’t hurt
      • Ditto
      Dirty-Dancing-Poster-C10315512.jpeg point_break.jpg roadhouse.jpg steeldawn.jpg Email at MTyroneDarklord@the-iss.com Dedicated to everyone trying to give cancer a Roadhouse kick to the face. ]]>       9 Badass Supervillains With No Superpowers tag:www.the-iss.com,2008://1.409 2008-03-04T05:36:33Z 2008-03-04T14:49:52Z Here at the ISS, our superpowers involve amazing rhetorical abilities, stunning good looks and the ability to please a woman with a glance. But not all supervillains are so lucky to be endowed with such powers. Still, some do pretty well for themselves. These guys, for instance. King Oblivion, Ph.D. The Joker Known for: Being Batman's arch nemesis, murder via gas and/or fish, having the largest "HAs" in laughter history Why he's a badass: Not only can the guy go toe-to-toe with Batman despite weighing about 80 pounds, the Joker also has an incredible ability to not die. Seriously, I think you could shoot him right in the face, burn his body and dump him in the ocean and still he'd somehow come back. If he had a superpower, it would be: Insanity. In fact, DC lists it as a superpower, as if mental states are somehow meta-human. Which, if that's the case, I'm suiting up and going out as Captain General Anxiety Disorder tomorrow. kingpin.jpg The Kingpin Known for: Being humongous, somehow managing to find dapper suits despite being humongous, ruining Daredevil's life as much as possible Why he's a badass: He didn't even have to get his hands dirty to put Matt Murdock, a.k.a. Daredevil, in jail. He got the FBI to do his dirty work for him, getting them to arrest Murdock after convincing them the blind lawyer was Daredevil and promising to give them the non-existent "Murdock Papers." Any supervillain who gets the FBI to do his deeds must have some serious mojo. If he had a superpower, it would be: He's one of those fat-looking guys who's actually all muscle, so I'm gonna go with super strength. davidcain.jpg David Cain Known for: Being Batgirl's dad, training Batman, being some kind of crazy-awesome assassin Why he's a badass: Cain got hired to frame Bruce Wayne for killing his girlfriend, Vesper Fairchild. Why'd he agree to take the job? Because he wanted to see if Batman was worthy of spending time with his daughter, who just happened to be going around town dressed in a Batgirl costume. That's messed up. Also, he has proven that 1) he can escape from prison whenever he wants and 2) he won't die, despite being shot point-blank. If he had a superpower, it would be: If you can break into Wayne manor and kill Batman's ladyfriend, then you must be some kind of ghost. So ghostery. justinhammer.gif Justin Hammer Known for: Having a really cool name, being a billionaire industrialist, spending his free time fucking things up for fellow billionaire industrialist Iron Man Why he's a badass: After finding out he was about to die, Hammer decided he would put off death for a little while, at least not before ruining Tony Stark and his little wispy mustache. So he built a space station for himself and decided to inject Iron Man with nanites that made him cry like a little girl. Also, the guy has financed approximately 80 hundred other villains. If he had a superpower, it would be: The ability to magically conjure money. RupertThorne.JPG Rupert Thorne Known for: Political corruption, figuring out Batman's secret identity, Batman: The Animated Series Why he's a badass: Thorne, not content to just unsuccessfully torture that little weasel Hugo Strange to figure out Batman's identity, went to great lengths to finally get it by taking some photos of Batman changing costume from Vicki Vale. Who knew it could be that easy? Also, he had enough sway to start an anti-Batman campaign through the City Council, get his puppet elected mayor, and get Commissioner Gordon fired. If he had a superpower, it would be: Political acumen, the same superpower that Barack Obama has. crossbones.jpg Crossbones Known for: Wearing a stylish skull mask, occasionally banging the Red Skull's daughter, killing Captain America Why he's a badass: Um, he killed Captain America. Okay, so he didn't exactly do it single-handedly, but he did manage to get in the first shot, so that's pretty impressive. And Captain America's still dead, which is more than can be said for the accomplishments of Crossbones' highly super-powered peer Doomsday, who is actually a total punk. If he had a superpower, it would be: The ability to laugh while being punched in the face by Bucky. lexluthor.jpg Lex Luthor Known for: Baldness, owning a kryptonite ring, managing to retain his position as a legitimate businessman despite being a known criminal who wears brightly colored costumes and everything Why he's a badass: He's a regular, bald-headed dude who decides it's a good idea to take on an invincible alien who can burn you to a crisp with his eyes. It seems kind of stupid, but, hey, Luthor's gotten some pretty good jabs in on Superman, and even managed to get elected president. Oh, and he was responsible for the entire destruction of Gotham City, which is a pretty big deal. If he had a superpower, it would be: The ability to return to legitimate business somehow, no matter how many nefarious plots he cooks up. cobracommander.png Cobra Commander Known for: Regularly yelling "retreat!," running a terrorist organization so confident in its methods that members wear bright red logos on their chests, once being a man Why he's a badass: After his former right-hand man shot him in the back, Cobra Commander got a little pissed. And you know what he did? He basically jumped right out of his grave, imprisoned everybody who had ever pissed him off and buried them under a volcano. Now that's drama. Also, he tried to use cloned dinosaurs to take over the world, as well as giant beams that stole all the gold from Fort Knox. If he had a superpower, it would be: Raspiness. drdoom.jpg Dr. Doom Known for: Being ridiculously awesome, a stylish metal mask, being really annoyed with Richards Why he's a badass: There are about a billion examples here, like when he sent Reed Richards' kids to hell and then showed Richards that he did it via the Fantastic Four's computer, but how about this one: Dr. Doom tricked Dr. Strange into nearly sacrificing himself so that he could free his mother's soul from hell. I can't really say much more than that. If he had a superpower, it would be: Yes, I know, Doom's armor gives him like 80 powers beyond what a normal human can do, including time travel. But if there was one power innate to Doom, I would have to say it's just general kickassedness. And the ability to speak in ALL CAPS. KingOblivionPhD@the-iss.com]]> Single-Sentence Synopses of Popular Films tag:www.the-iss.com,2008://1.408 2008-02-28T01:49:23Z 2008-02-28T03:05:25Z We quickly summarize (mostly) good films so you don't have to watch them. Some of them, we just ruin. Enjoy! Doktor Maxwell von Puppykicker the Third Batman Begins is about Christian Bale wrestling other men and working out while shirtless and wearing a tight rubber suit and...sorry, lost my train of thought there. American Psycho is about a shirtless Christian Bale who hurts people, but I'm sure he's got a good reason, you just don't understand. Serenity is actually really good you guys, no seriously you all should check it out sometime and... hey where'd everybody go? Armageddon is about WOOOSH BLAM BLAM RATTA-TAT-TAT RATTA-TAT-TAT KABOOM "USA! USA!". Strange Brew is aboot how Canadians sure are funny, eh? .redrum a gnitagitsevni caisenma na about si otnemeM There Will Be Blood is about one man's love of delicious milkshakes. Juno disappointingly has nothing to do with Jupiter's wife, but is instead about a girl who speaks in nothing but kitschy references. The Blair Witch Project is about holy shit blairwitchtext.jpg Cloverfield is about (see above). Sweeney Todd is about a homicidal barber, which provides some insight as to why Tim Burton looks like he hasn't gotten a haircut in years. Edward Scissorhands presses the point. Independence Day is about WOOOSH BLAM BLAM RATTA-TAT-TAT RATTA-TAT-TAT KABOOM "USA! USA!". Norbit is the academy award nominated character study of a desperate man trapped in a loveless relationship. About a Boy is about a boy. Scanners is about scanheadblown.gif The Aristocrats is about the same joke being repeated over, and over, and over again, which is totally unlike this list. Run Lola Run is about a girl who saves her boyfriend's life by...fuck. Run Lola Run is about a girl who saves her boyfriend's life by procuring...goddamit! Run Lola Run is about a girl who saves her boyfriend's life by procuring 100,000 dollars in twenty minutes (YAAAAAAAY). The Golden Compass disproves the existence of God in more ways than one. Transformers is about WOOOSH BLAM BLAM RATTA-TAT-TAT RATTA-TAT-TAT KABOOM "USA! USA!". No Country For Old Men is about THUNK BANG BANG BANG CRUNCH BEEP BEEP and disillusionment. Epic Movie is every single movie on this list, but they speak in funny voices, so it's satire! All Asian Action Part IV is an epic tale of love and loss set against the backdrop of feudal Japan. cautionarytalesofswords@gmail.com]]> I Formally Challenge the Results of This Middle School Talent Show tag:www.the-iss.com,2008://1.407 2008-02-26T01:25:24Z 2008-03-04T18:09:57Z A participant in the Fairmont County Middle Academy Talent Show has seen the results of last week's performance and let's just say he's not happy. And that head judge is a total dick. King Oblivion, Ph.D. Mrs. Caldwell, I cannot begin to express the disappointment and rage I felt this morning when the announcement declaring the winners of the Fairmont County Middle Academy Talent Show was posted in the lunchroom. I feel that these results are unfair and do not accurately reflect the talents of and was a travesty toward all those involved, particularly me, Glando the Magnificent. As principal, I feel it is your duty to revoke these results and bring about justice. Allow me to explain the many reasons why you should do this. First of all, I would like to note that the head judge, the band instructor, Mr. Paulson, is a dick who smells bad. Everyone knows this. Secondly, my performance, entitled "The Entire First Season of The Streets of San Francisco Redux: A One-Man Show" was, to quote Lacie Patrick of the Fairmont Voice, "a...lengthy experience...that recreated every minute of all 27 episodes, including the pilot." How could anyone, especially Mr. Paulson, who literally smells like he is covered in a layer of tiny, dead animals, deny the incredible effort that went into such a performance? It's almost as if no one but Lacie was paying attention. This is especially apparent when you consider the winners that were selected. Brion Weatherspoon’s rendition of “Crazy Love” was bland and uninspired, at best. It wasn’t a first place performance, or even an 80th place performance. I got the impression that he has never received any type of affection that could even be categorized as mildly out of sorts. I only have one word to describe Arianna Barinsky’s second-place dance number set to Beethoven’s 5th Symphony: Pissphony. And as for Paulina Hessman’s third place win for managing to stuff an entire pizza into her mouth is simply a mystery to me. I admit it was an incredible feat, and the fact that she managed to swallow the whole thing was doubly impressive, but I fail to see how it amounts to a talent, unless Mr. Paulson and his cohorts consider being a disgusting sow a talent in the same league as singing or dancing or recreating entire seasons of classic television series that depict the exploits of hard-boiled detectives in a cosmopolitan North California city underneath which a seedy underbelly lies. I bet they do. They disgust me. I believe this evidence conclusively shows that the results of last week’s talent show were not only unfair, but were surely some sort of crime that would lead to a number of years in prison. I have filed the proper paperwork with the state legislature to ensure that if it is not, it soon will be. I am told the Senate plans to pass the bill unanimously. Speaking of rules and/or laws, allow me to address the accusations concerning my eligibility in the talent show. Yes, it is true that I am 48 and not a student at Fairmont County Middle Academy. True, I had to fight the soccer coach, Ms. Wise, to even get into the building. But I feel young, and I consider myself to be a student of life. And the sign just said “students only.” Your arguments will not hold up in court, Mrs. Caldwell. I eagerly await for you to strip Mr. Weatherspoon of his trophy and send it to me. If you do so, I will be happy to return for season two next year. It had some of the best episodes, for real. Sincerely, The Amazing Rossini]]> Presidential Campaign Gear Reviewed tag:www.the-iss.com,2008://1.406 2008-01-29T04:23:30Z 2008-01-29T05:41:12Z Voter and buyer beware, not all presidential campaign gear is created equal. Like Consumer Reports does with TVs, we now do with election stuff. M. Tyrone Darklord You can’t expect to get to the White House just by kissing babies and glad-handing cronies. No, you need to get your message out. You need presidential gear, campaign swag, electorate tchotckes. You need your name on awkward looking T-shirts and buttons. You need sharply designed signs to post along the roadside. And sometimes, you need a little something extra.

      The Democrats

      Hillary Clinton brownT.jpg Campaign swag theme: The Hillary Signature Series. Get the Senator’s John Hancock in blue-on-brown script on shirts, hats and lapel pins. These suburbanite hip designs don’t scream “I’m Voting for Hillary,” but they definitely let your neighbors know you have ovaries. Unique gear: Highlighter, piggy bank, ruler, ice scraper. Sen. Clinton really pulled out all the stops in the “Cheap Shit You Might Get at a Business Convention” category. What, no rulers? Wait, there they are. Overall rating: 3ikes.jpg

      Barack Obama TS00106-2T.jpg Campaign swag theme: Dated slogans. Under the “Students for Obama” section you can find the always popular “Property of” sweatshirts. These are worth hanging onto in case Obama decides to run again in 1994. Unique gear: Do you need a way to reach your politically-minded friends who only read Hebrew? Obama’s got a sticker just for that. Overall rating: 3ikes.jpg

      John Edwards 1018-2.gif Campaign swag theme: Packing up. Edwards offers both a canvas tote and a duffel travel bag. You’ll need both to help pack up the election headquarters which could close any day now. Unique gear: Mousepads. How many people look at your mousepad each day? This is a great way to spread the word. You’ll get five if you order the John Edwards Party Kit #1, because no party is complete until the mousepads arrive. Overall rating: 2ikes.jpg

      The Republicans

      Rudy Guiliani 553-1000.jpg Campaign swag theme: Mafia. Get all your mob supplies with Rudy’s name on it: gold cufflinks, glass tumbler, baseball bat and “Italian-Americans for Rudy” pin. Don’t forget to pick up two “Rhinestone Rudy” lapel pins. One for the wife. One for the girlfriend. Unique gear: “Stadium cups,” for, you know, supporting Rudy while you drink stadiums. Or beer from a keg. Overall rating: 5ikes.jpg

      John McCain fleece_headband_small.jpgyardsigns_new_small.jpg Campaign swag theme: Multiple shades of blue. By the Ghost of Bob Ross this man uses lots of different blues. So what? Some people like dressing like a color chart. Besides, campaign colors aren’t that important, and John McCain is too old to tell one shade of blue from another. Unique gear: People. McCain shows more people wearing his gear than any other site. And with such sensible yet stylish gear, why not? Overall rating: 2ikes.jpg

      Mike Huckabee img_huckabeerock_over.gifCampaign swag theme: First, we need to point out that Huckabee runs his official store through Café Press. Excuse me, Mike. You’re running a presidential campaign, not a blog. That said, his stuff his easily the most cartoonish of all the candidates. There’s a cartoon Huckabee Head, mouth open, next to the White House. And there it is next to Chuck Norris. And, just for good measure, let’s get a shirt with him playing the bass. Unique gear: Under “Accessories” you can pick up a “I Heart Huckabee Throw Pillow.” It’s the perfect accessory for your “Robertson ‘88” futon. Overall rating: What, no Café Press thong? 4halfikes.jpg

      Mitt Romney FM08-thumb.jpg Campaign swag theme: Mitt. There’s the foam baseball mitt. Get it. Mitt and mitt and he’s a great “catch.” A-ha-ha, a-ha-ha, ughhh. In a less clever move, there are the “Love Mitt” stickers. Lots of people stumble upon these when looking to purchase something else entirely. Unique gear: Money clip. Or should I say “Money Mitt”? OH! If you’re buying Mitt Romney gear you’ve got money. Republican-like money. I know. He knows it. Now go spend some of that and get this ecomony turned around. Overall rating: ike.jpg

      Ron Paul ButtonGREENbig_thumb.jpg Campaign swag theme: Lots of colors. Why choose just one, McCain. Paul's got stickers in blue, red, green, purple and two shades of yellow. In fact, Paul is pushing "Taste the Ron Paul Rainbow" for Super Tuesday. Unique gear:"Slim Jims" for sale not conservative beef jerky, but actually pamphlets. Overall rating: 2ikes.jpg

      Email at MTyroneDarklord@the-iss.com]]>       Favorite TV Characters of the Presidential Candidates tag:www.the-iss.com,2008://1.405 2008-01-25T15:03:47Z 2008-01-25T17:39:30Z Even when they're hitting the campaign trail the presidential candidates still have time for a little television. This begs the question: Which TV characters do the candidates identify with most? The ISS has the answers. M. Tyrone Darklord The Democrats
      Hillary Clinton thesopranos7.jpg Favorite TV Character: Carmela Soprano Why: “She’s a tough, strong woman living near New York, and that husband of hers! I know exactly what she’s been through. Every time I watch that show my heart goes out to her. I think she went a little too far, using Tony’s infidelity to get money, political power and other things that she wanted. Still, she’s a complex character that’s not afraid to cry, yell or make her husband sleep on the couch. And we both look great in power suits.”


      John Edwards ny107_new_year_2006_dick_clark.sff.jpg Favorite TV Character: Dick Clark Why: “I’ve always admired Dick Clark’s longevity, his persistence in the face of great odds, his refusal to step aside when its time to go. Take this past New Year’s Eve, for example. Many people would say ‘Dick, you just had a stroke. You can barely speak. You shouldn’t be on camera. Why don’t you just fade into the sunset and let Ryan Seacrest take over?’ But you know what? Dick Clark is his own man just like John Edwards is his own man and will be his man for the remaining 46 state primaries.”
      The Republicans

      John McCain Hannible.jpg Favorite TV Character: Col. John “Hannibal” Smith Why: “I just love it when a bipartisan plan comes together, like it did with my campaign finance reform efforts. I’ve spent time in a military prison, and I can assure you my opponents have accused me of policies I didn’t commit. But my real goal is to work with a well-trained team to get the job done for the American people.”


      Mike Huckabee NorrisAsWalker.jpg Favorite TV Character: Walker, Texas Ranger Why: “I’m not saying this because Chuck Norris has helped my campaign raise hundreds of thousands of dollars. I’m saying this because I love Texas-style justice delivered with roundhouse kicks. I’m saying this because I love cowboy hats and facial hair. I’m saying this because I need to buy another round of ads before Super Tuesday.”


      Rudy Giuliani Jerry_Seinfeld.jpg Favorite TV Character: Jerry Seinfield Why: “What’s the deal with my poll numbers? I’m from New York, did you know that? New York! Who doesn’t love New York? So of course I love Seinfeld, he’s from New York! We’re both still on TV even though we haven’t been relevant in years. I also love the police and fire departments. Don’t you love the police and fire departments? You do? Then vote for me! I’m from New York. I was so popular in the 1990s. Don’t you remember how great I was on Sept. 11? In New York! Please, please vote for me. I need your vote like Michael Richards needs a job.”


      Mitt Romney 22_simoncowell_lgl.jpg Favorite TV Character: Simon Cowell Why: “It is my belief that Simon Cowell knows what’s best for ‘American Idol.’ Likewise, I know what’s best for America. We’re both shrewd businessmen who have the ability to make difficult decisions and painful cuts. Also, we’re both pricks.”


      Ron Paul Gilligan-Denver-4.jpg Favorite TV Character: Gilligan Why: “He’s a very good looking man who doesn’t panic in a tricky situation. He knows how to handle problems creatively, think outside the box. He’s not afraid to put himself on an island and stay there, isolated and away from the rest of the world. Also, since there is no money on the island, we can assume he is a fiscal conservative.”

      And two candidates who dropped out, but we still really love:

      Fred Thompson Fred%2BThompson%2BL%26O.jpg Favorite TV Character: D.A. Arthur Branch of "Law & Order." Why: “He’s attractive, tough on crime and playing him is an easier job than running for president. Mariska Hargitay, if you’re listening, I want to come home, honey.”


      Bill Richardson hugo-reyes-hurley-wallpapers.jpg Favorite TV Character: The fat guy on “Lost.” Why: “I feel this is a character I can really identify with. Just like this guy, who’s name I can’t remember off the top of my head, I like sandwiches, warm air, the beach and, hopefully, running for vice-president.


      MTyroneDarklord@the-iss.com]]>       My Foolproof Plan To End the Writers Strike tag:www.the-iss.com,2008://1.404 2008-01-23T05:15:13Z 2008-01-23T06:03:37Z I don't care what it takes, I'm going to get you your scripted TV back. These nine steps ought to do it. The Taxidermist Hollywood has been in the vice grip of the penny-pinching Writers Guild for nearly three months now. All of your favorite shows now have been put on hold and probably won't be finishing this season, or beginning the next. There weren't any Golden Globes festivities and there may not be an Oscars ceremony. Our awards shows, people! This is serious! And for what? Fair pay and residuals from the moneyless wasteland of the internet? Why not ask the networks to wring water from a stone, writers? Hmm? What is the average Joe to do with two extra hours of prime time each night? Nothing cool, that's what. That's why I'm going to get you your TV back. Step 1: Fly to Los Angeles, where most of the greedy, striking writers reside, keeping in mind that packing toothpaste is now labeled as terrorist activity. (It'd be a pity to see this plan foiled by the two most ineffective organizations in the modern world: Homeland Security and the Cavity Creeps.) Step 2: Upon arrival at Writers Guild Worldwide Headquarters, kill every protester in sight, possibly with their own picket signs, while speaking in clever quips such as, "This spec script is rejected," or "Looks like this is your final draft." This will prove that I'm a better writer than they could have ever hoped to be, and make their deaths extra painful. Step 3: Using my goddamn bare hands, pile up the corpses to create a flesh escalator (or what I like to call a Fleshcalator (TM)) to the top of the building. Now I'm thinking with mortals! Step 4: This is where it gets tricky, because I have no idea what the floor plan of the Guild Headquarters looks like or if it even exists. But that's cool, because if it does exist, it was designed by Hollywood writers, which means that as long as I hug each wall I come to with a flashlight and a pistol, I'll probably come to the head office within a few minutes of montage, and kill the Queen Writer. If it doesn't exist, I'll build a giant coffee shop to attract the Writer Bosses and fill it with poison, like some kind of roach hotel for hacks. Step 5: Take a break. I deserve it. Step 6: Buy exactly one million typewriters. I may want to pick up some extra ribbons, too. Step 7: Come into possession of 1,500,000 monkeys. Sound a bit unbalanced? It is. The smarter monkeys will outplay, outwit, and outlast the others, making them better writers. (Also, this could make a profitable and long-running reality show.) It's capitalism at its finest, with lots of shit flinging. (Note: Monkeys hate computers. They will only write on typewriters.) Optional sub-step: If hurting for cash after buying all those monkeys and typewriters, use the dead bodies of the monkeys that lost the kerfuffle to build a bridge to the Hollywood Bowl. Use the best fighter monkeys to take over the complex. This little tourist trap should help bring in some additional revenue. Step 8: Assign remaining monkeys each to a typewriter and monitor carefully. Keep an eye out for something that looks like a decent script of one of TV's best shows, like "Bones" or "The Ghost Whisperer." It shouln't take too long. If it would take 1,000 monkeys 1,000 years to write Shakespeare, then this should take a dozen about 45 minutes, tops. Step 9: Start producing the programs, and get TV back on track. I could have some problems with this step, as many industry employees are also refusing to cross the picket lines. As a result, I may have to resort to continued use of my monkey army as actors, grips, and caterers. It is imperative, however, that I do not allow the monkeys to unionize. Otherwise, I'll be forced to use Poser to recreate 3-D model of actors to recreate the scenes. Little known fact: That's how they've been getting performances out of Charlie Sheen since the late '90s. taxiblog@yahoo.com]]>