Nadra Enzi wrote:
Real-life Super Villains: A Necessary "Evil"
Oh great, now the wannabe superheroes are going to give us shit for not being evil enough.
" Evil " as part of this article's title is in quotes because research of all things RLSH/RLSV has yet to discover a RLSV engaged in actual villainy, i.e violence; fraud; etc.
Um...it's pretty much all fraud, isn't it? But I guess since you're doing it, too, it's a wash.
Given time, actual RLSVs in name and deed will probably emerge. On second thought, masked robbers and rapists could fall into the active criminal RLSV column. What do you think?
You mean...criminals? So, all it takes to be a supervillain is a mask? That's...easy.
I've read alot of digital disses and on line observations that didn't spare RLSH egos. To an extent that's good. RLSVs as rhetorical sparring partners and critics counter balance to our world view.
So calling you stupid and delusional is something you like? Well, I guess I'll keep doing it then, but now it'll feel weird.]]>
I don't endorse obvious character assassination.
Aw, damn it.
Honestly, some RLSH don't need villain help in tearing down other real life superheroes, as various forums attest.
AN IN-DEPTH EXPOSE INTO THE CRUMBLING REAL-LIFE SUPERHERO COALITION
RLSVs offer valuable ( or debatable ) insight on us from onlookers just as creative as ourselves.
Creative as people who wear body stockings and homemade domino masks? Do go on.
Far from mainstream commentary, RLSVs have the potential to grasp our community from a more informed perspective. They seem more dedicated to making fun of RLSH excesses and even, in the case of Adam RLSV aka Tiny Terror tiny.terror@live.com, urging us toward better community development. Broadly RLSVs also assess ( assault? ) fictional heroes and real social issues with equal candor. Sites like the International Society of Super Villains http://www.the-iss.com enthusiastically serve this purpose.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Last year, I even met an RLSV music group named Fancy Pants and the Evildoers while securing a downtown night club in Savannah, GA. Their theme was tongue-in-cheek speed metal as opposed to heavy duty crush-kill-destroy.
I'm sure they thought you were an intelligent and reasonable person.
Warts and all, most RLSVs seem well enough adjusted to confine villainy to critiquing real life superheroes; our fictional counterparts and society at large. So long as the line into criminality isn't crossed, real life supervillains remain a necessary " evil. "
Man, if you can't tell the difference between somebody calling him or herself a supervillain as a joke and some dude jumping around on dumpsters trying to stop muggings, I can't help you.
NADRA ENZI AKA CAPT. BLACK promotes crime prevention and self-development. "HELP HAITI Y'ALL!!!" is the latest urgent humanitarian concern highlighted in his CRIME ISN'T A CIVIL RIGHT presentation.
Sigh.]]>
The Regular Girl
Who Is She?: The Regular Girl is, we don't know. However, you do! You probably met her as your secret identity while renting a movie, shopping for canned cheese, or sipping black coffee in a Starbucks. Or, you met her while advancing your next world domination scheme and she fell in love with your villainous side. Whoever she is, she's certainly not a superhero! And she's interested in you for you!
What Do I Get Her?: (1) Jewelry (2) A Romantic Dinner (3) You not getting arrested while on said dinner
What Could Go Wrong?: Everything, to a lesser extent. That's good news for you. Sure, she may turn you down for dinner or toss your card into the gutter (that bitch), but you won't be thrown into the sun. Or, hey, you could take her as a hostage (see above). Even better is that you can use your supervillainous successes to bestow upon her gifts she would never, ever receive from anyone she knows. She also gets to tell all her friends about her "dangerous" new boyfriend. So, unless she rats you out to the heroes or ditches you when she finds your mask in your hamper, you have a real chance at love! And, if she fell in love with your costumed self, all the better. Unless she really was a Superheroine secret identity. That just sucks.
Example: Harleen Quinzel (Batman: The Animated Series)]]>
The Arm Candy
Who Is She?: The Arm Candy is the woman who you have taken on while you strut your stuff while painting the town red (not with blood). She's glamorous and chic, capable of wining and dining with the upper crust of society and always by your side. The Arm Candy is who you showcase when you impress your "business associates" and who helps keep the ruse of entrepreneurship alive, sexily. She doesn't know about your supervillain activities, but she may have an inkling of suspicion.
What Do I Get Her?: (1) Expensive jewelery (2) Yacht vacations in the Caribbean (3) The key to your private office
What Could Go Wrong?: Everything, sexily. Unlike The Number 1 (listed in Part 1), The Arm Candy is blissfully unaware of your wrongdoings - until the heroes or the superspy gets her attention. This means that she functions more like The Regular Girl (also listed above) but has greater public exposure. Unfortunately, by keeping her on your arm you'll never know when she'll unintentionally invite your enemies into your lair. You could be hosting a dinner party to scout potential targets and wind up facing your nemesis (whether you recognize each other is unknown) or similar infiltrator. Worse still is if you somehow offend her and she gives your adversaries complete access to your facilities. Either way your plan to irradiate Europe for ransom is in jeopardy.
Example: Princess Audrey (Justice League: The Animated Series - Maid of Honor)
The Stripper
Who Is She?: The Stripper is one of mankind's greatest inventions - a woman who will take her clothes off for money. Chances are that you met The Stripper in some sort of strip club or similar establishment you visited when you told your mother you were going out to the movies that one Saturday night. She is well dressed, albeit scantily, attractive, and has the ability to make men give her money. She's already an amateur supervillain and your money might just get her into, and later out of, costume.
What Do I Get Her?: (1) A drink (2) The murder of the drunken imbecile who keeps following her around (3) Fistfuls of unmarked, non-sequential dollar bills
What Could Go Wrong?: Everything, sexily, in a private room. The Stripper is trained to take money from men and, if you're a man, chances are that she can empty your wallet quicker than Wonder Woman can wrap you in her lasso of truth. That's actually the least of your problems - you do have a counterfeit currency scheme progressing, correct? The main problem is that you're a supervillain and, therefore, the jealous type. Just thinking of all those men she's grinding definitely will put a few (thousand) murders on your rap sheet. Murders aside (because you'd do that anyway), The Stripper will undoubtedly sell you out once the damn heroes find a suitable method of payment (more money). Don't worry, she'll smile and give you a lap dance next time you see her - for a price.
Example: Nancy Callahan (Sin City)
Death
Who Is She?: Death is the personification of death in the universe.
What Do I Get Her?: (1) Destruction (2) Nothingness (3) Annihilation
What Could Go Wrong?: Everything, and nothing. If you're courting Death, you're already a prime target on the heroes' hit list. Whenever you show up they're waiting to knock you and your universe-bomb back into wherever you came from. Since Death is the goal of your master plan, she isn't fond of the material possessions you already have. Why would she? She's an abstract concept. But, if you're looking for some celestial romance, consider annihilating everything in the universe in her honor. She'll like that.
Example: Death (Marvel: The End)
If you're observant, then you may have noticed that everything can go wrong with every woman on the list. If you're paranoid (and you are), then realize that none of your romantic endeavors will ever work out and that you'll die alone clutching a rotting bag of potatoes adorned with a mop head you used in lieu of the woman you're pining over as you draw your last breath. Now go out there and capture the woman of your dreams in your net of love. Just remember that women are like death rays - if you turn them on they'll short circuit and paint all your gelatin with petroleum-based house cats. That simile made much more sense when recited to us by a henchman drowning in acid. ]]>
And the list goes on like that.
That show of hubris led the folks over at Comics Worth Reading to estimate the aforementioned journalist's haul, which they guessed was around $18,000.
He, of course, responded, as he does any time someone says his name, like he's some kind of over-eager, non-tripled Bloody Mary.
HATE YOU FOREVER. You can buy it.
We'll post a chapter preview later this week for those who are... hesitant.
(For those who are allergic to Lulu, it'll be available on Amazon in a couple weeks.)]]>
The Supervillainess
Who Is She?: The Supervillainess is the female equivalent of a supervillain. It's a very simple concept that most of our henchmen can understand. You
might have teamed with her last week, or you could have spotted her on the ten o'clock news or a post office mug shot. Maybe you both shared one of those awkwardly romantic moments where you both simultaneous grabbed the only vial of Superplague. Now, it's time to amend your plan to include love.
What Do I Get Her?: (1) Her nemesis' head on a pike (2) The world's rarest jewelry/diamond (3) The world
What Could Go Wrong?: Everything. The supervillainess has discerning tastes which means you'll need to use the full force of your supervillainity to
your advantage. Unfortunately, shopping for the Supervillainess is as complicated as solving a Rubik's Cube while being eaten by sharks. Often, this requires you to do battle with some form of superhero. This can be as limited as her rogues gallery or as encompassing as every damned superhero on Earth depending on what you decide to give her. So while the benefits are awesome, the risks are extreme - a defeat here could result in your incarceration, your current machinations, or, most importantly, your status in her eyes.
Example: The Baroness (GI JOE: A Real American Hero)
Back in August, we had a little fun at the expense of internet commenters who got their panties all in a wad over Disney's decision to buy out Marvel. They overreacted.
But this. This deserves every screaming, complainy comment you could imagine, and then some.
Honestly, folks. Tell me this isn't so much worse than the idea of Wolverine with Mickey Mouse ears. In comparison to this, that image seems positively tame.
If this kind of shit is the kind of shit we're going to have to endure for the foreseeable future -- magazines like Fast Company doing obnoxious slideshows of executives and producers and other rich people who need an ego boost like they need another ivory backscratcher all made up like superheroes like they stopped at an Islands of Adventure caricature artist and paid an extra ten bucks for the deluxe package -- then maybe it's time to start protesting this whole deal and burning some shit down.
Who's with me?]]>
Tents
I can say this with absolutely no hesitation: Tents suck ass. I have never once had anything even resembling a decent experience sleeping in a tent. Tents are damp, they're cramped and they provide no real shelter value or heat. Hell, they really don't even provide good protection against bugs or grizzly bears.
The only good thing about sleeping in a tent is the possiblity of maybe getting to sleep really close to a girl you're interested in, but a much better idea would be sleeping in a bed, inside a well-lit, centrally heated hotel room. On Route 12. The Radisson. Room 213. Ahem.
Minus 8 bullets.
Sleeping Bags
Now, you may think that after that scathing critique of tents that I'd go hard at sleeping bags here, but as usual, you're wrong. Sleeping bags are the best. Not only can you get one that puts on display your affections for your favorite show, like the A-Team or G.I. Joe or T.J. Hooker, but you can also use them as a personal refuge when you'd rather not talk to or look at anybody.
I mean, honestly, what other highly portable item allows you to zip yourself up in your own little world of imagination? You can sit in there and imagine that you're a burrito or maybe a crepe for hours and hours until you get tired of it or you suffocate yourself on the lining. Now, that's just good, clean fun.
Plus 6 bullets.]]>
Campfires
People are fucking morons. They actually willingly go out into the woods and purposely refrain from bringing matches or a lighter with them so that they can start a fire the "natural" (read: stupid) way. Now, to some degree I guess I can understand the need to feel like one is actually experiencing nature for its true beauty or some garbage like that, but why would that include having to rub two sticks together to start a fire?
I mean, our ancestors went through centuries of inventing things and building cathedrals and being ashamed of their genitals so we didn't have to do all that nature shit. Especially the part about starting up fires. Seriously, if Isaac Newton saw these people doing what they do, he would eat his powdered wig in anger.
Minus 4 bullets.
Campfire Stories
About thirty years ago, on this very blog, someone told a story with a very predictable ending where the teller said at the end that either they were the subject of the story or that the subject was right there behind everyone.
The subject of the story had a hook for a hand or something, because they always do, and he murdered a whole bunch of campers, just like the people listening to the story exactly thirty years ago tonight. The teller repeated themselves a lot to pad out the story, because really the whole thing was pretty thin -- thirty years ago this very night. Only one camper survived that night all those years ago, and when they asked him what happened, all he could do was repeat the killer's blood-curdling cry, "Minus 7 bullets!" And you know how I know? Because that storyteller was me!
Minus 7 bullets!
Hiking
Hiking's not too bad, as long as you're actually doing it for a reason. If you're walking up to like the top of a big rock or something so you can see a kick-ass view of your car through that viewfinder thing, I'm all for it.
On the other hand, if you're just walking for 10 miles so that you can say you made it to the end of the trail so you can turn around and go back, that's just a waste. I mean, you could have at least walked in the direction of somewhere that you could get some Crunch 'n' Munch or something. But the kind without the peanuts. Those are better.
Plus 2 bullets.
Having to Take a Dump and Use Leaves as Toilet Paper
Seriously, not cool. I mean, I get pissed off when I run out of TP in my apartment and have to use paper towels or a magazine. So just imagine what... Actually, I probably shouldn't have mentioned that.
So...just forget I said that. Anyway, um...leaves. It sure sucks to have to use those.
Minus 9 bullets.]]>
Mwa-ha-ha, everyone.
I'm sure in your breathless excitement about my upcoming book, HATE YOU FOREVER (available in a short 10 days!), you may or may not have noticed some regular features haven't updated here at the ISS.
That's partially because I (that is, my henchmen) am working hard to get copies ready for the big day. But it's also because my civilian alter-ego, Matt Wilson, has been doing some work over on the website of all the creators of the Fake AP Stylebook Twitter feed, The Bureau Chiefs!
In fact, at least one ISS staple, the Monday Movie Re-Cut Comics, will be moving to that site. But don't (do) fear! We'll have lots of great evil stuff here for you in the months to come.
And in the meantime, go follow another of the fictitious Mr. Wilson's projects over on the Fake e-Etiquette Twitter feed!]]>
Subject's name: Roland Burroughs
Subject's powers: Has talons tipped with poison and a spiked tail
Why this power seems good: You'd be deadly as shit! Somebody tries to shake your hand, boom, poison talon! Some fool tries to sneak up behind you, wham, tail spikes to the face! Captain America throws a shield at you, um...dodge and still have a spiked tail and poison talons!
Why it might actually suck: Consider, if you will, how shitty your commute to crime-work is gonna be every day if you have a spiked tail. Man, you're going to have to get your car reupholstered, like, every week!
And then, the talons. What if you wanted to drink a canned soda? Setting aside the difficulty of getting the thing open, your sharp talons would almost certainly punch through the can and then you're stuck with all kindsa poison all up in your Mello Yello!
That ain't no way to live.]]>