DC hasn't said much regarding what these miniseries will actually be about, but luckily, you're reading a site run by a group of evil supervillains. We used our connections to dig deep into DC's story database and found synopses for each series. You can read them after the jump.

After a lifetime of abuse and violence, Walter Kovacs thought no one could help him. But a mysterious, seemingly psychic visitor reveals something the man known as Rorschach can't help but believe is true: He's full of tinier Rorschachs.

BEFORE WATCHMEN: OZYMANDIAS

Who knew the man who would ultimately destroy New York City with a space octopus had a lighter side? Before setting his master plan in motion, Adrian Veidt spent the time he wasn't running his multinational conglomerate heading out to famous landmarks and telling jokes while floating! He was the first float-up comedian (no, not THAT Comedian)! Audiences fell in love with his shruggy catch phrase, "Didn't I already do that?"

BEFORE WATCHMEN: CRIMSON CORSAIR

Can a statue in a do-rag and holding a sword really captain a pirate ship? Only one way to find out! (He cannot.)

BEFORE WATCHMEN: SILK SPECTRE

Laurie Juspeczyk has dealt with some difficult truths and solved some tough mysteries in the past, but will she be able to figure out the real story behind what happened between her mother and the mysterious force known only as ROSEBUD?

BEFORE WATCHMEN: DR. MANHATTAN

Bored with his life as a nigh-omnipotent being, Dr. Manhattan turns to new ways of amusing himself, such as materializing behind his friends, grabbing hold of them, and demanding, "GUESS WHO?" until they respond or die of old age. No one ever guesses who.

BEFORE WATCHMEN: NITE OWL

Crippled with intense insecurity, an overpowering sense of helplessness and a power outage, Daniel Drieberg sits on a chimney for four goddamn issues, and you still buy it anyway.

BEFORE WATCHMEN: MINUTEMEN

Following a victory in a month-long strongman competition, Hollis Mason, a.k.a. Nite Owl, has finally obtained the key to the city of Gratitude. But can he find the lock before he and everyone else in town is buried in a rain of never-ending ticker tape?

BEFORE WATCHMEN: THE COMEDIAN

Having traveled forward in time to witness his own death, Edward Blake returns to the present a changed man. He suits up in his Comedian costume, lights a cigar, and rolls around on the floor while dabbing blood on his own face in the same spot it was on that smiley face button he had. "A shocking and realistic portrayal of a rapist seeing his own defenestration," critics are sure to say.

As the classic James Bond villain Ernst Stavro Blofeld once said, "Kill Bond! Now!" After which his cat said, "Mwrwaaarrarrrr!"

Because of classic moments like that, it's become a common trope for villains, especially those who go up against super spies, to constantly be accompanied by a feline companion. From Blofeld to Gargamel to Dr. Evil to Dr. Claw, cats, particularly those with an affinity for bejeweled collars, have a long history in evil ventures.

But is it the best (worst) choice for you? It depends.

First off: How important are your hands? A cat in your lap or in your arms means all the difference if your nemesis is the type who throws knuckles first and saves his or her clever quips for when you're in duress on the floor.

Second: Scratches. They are going to happen.

Third: Do you mind looking kind of effeminate? Don't worry if you do. For a lot of villains, that's their thing. It can work for you. If you're already female, this shouldn't be a problem at all, though you should be mindful of how people will perceive you if you have more than one cat on or around you.

Fourth: Litter smell. You will smell like litter.

Finally: Consider what you're trying to say. It could just be, "I like cats." But you're probably going to want to say more. Nothing else immediately comes to mind, though.

This week saw the premiere of Justice League Dark, the magic/occult version of DC's Justice League series, featuring all your favorite spell-casting weirdo heroes. But The International Society of Supervillains has learned that Dark isn't the only new Justice League brand hitting the shelves in the coming months. We've discovered the official logos for all the six new Justice League books, and they're right after the cut.

A DC spokesman said that all of these comics read really well after you put them in the freezer for a few minutes.

We here at the ISS didn't want to be left out, so we got together with six different artists to give a little-known character a chance to reintroduce himself to new fans. Enjoy.

Who: Geese Howard

What: Cold letting himself fall to his death rather than accept help from his nemesis, Terry Bogard.

When: December 1995/November 1999

Where: Real Bout: Fatal Fury/Garou: Mark of the Wolves

Why it's a great moment: At the end of Real Bout: Fatal Fury, Terry Bogard reaches out to catch crime boss Geese Howard after he falls off the side of his tower. Geese pulls away and lets himself fall to his death, laughing as he plummets. That'd be badass enough all alone, but observe the moment when it's revisited four years later in Garou: Mark of the Wolves. Check out the look on Geese's face. It's not just that he won't accept help from Bogard. He enjoys the hell out of taking away the hero's chance to save a life. That's villainin', right there.

But one we have not yet seen discussed is the logo for one of the books focusing on one of us villains, Deathstroke.

So let's examine it.

That's...sort of busy isn't it? It's actually sort of making me feel a little sick.

I...I think...I AM HAVING A STROKE

NOW I AM DEAD

As is always the case with such a complex and challenging work, discussions of the song's true meaning have abounded in the more intellectual corners of the Web. But we haven't seen anything really get to the heart of A. Samuel's genius. "Couldn't there be some other way?" we said aloud to ourselves last night, as we sat awake wondering if we were truly livin' de life.

Then we noticed something. YouTube has a feature which transcribes a video's audio track into subtitles. This might be it, we thought. This might be the key to "de life." Follow along with us on our journey of discovery.

The first thing you learn in the casino business? Throw out "for." You don't need "for."

0:04:

Here we go. We're starting to transcend now.

0:07:

You wouldn't imagine an entrepreneur of friendship to go fighting or on missions, but I guess that's business.

0:11:

Hahahaha I know it!

0:13:

...be free?

0:14:

Or that.

0:16:

While pointing straight ahead. Just like you, A.

0:24:

It's good to dream big, A. Samuels.

0:27:

Does the military do light cameos, though? And aren't they the ones oppressing the people of we?

0:28:

Wars do cost a lot, that's true.

0:30:

This is awfully political stuff, A.

0:33:

Let me guess. The lamestream media.

0:38:

That's slang for "putting the away from the hole," I think.

0:40:

Take that, java zone! Finally, some justice.

0:45:

I guess they're the ones who got the java zone to concede?

0:50:

That empty lot's going to need some work, A., I'll be honest with you.

0:53:

That's...that's a little racist, A.

0:57:

So...you want the whites to die? Well, that's a different kind of racist.

0:59:

You know, A., you raise some strong points about Eastern collectivism here.

1:06:

And now South Africa, too? All I can say is, watch out, Jimmy Carter.

1:12:

What is it about, then, wise one?

1:17:

Light University? Do you mean...heaven?

1:18:

That's some unorthodox theology right there.

1:19:

Shiites are Muslims, but I'll let that slide. So pantheism, then?

1:22:

We...are our own God, then?

1:23:

In a tips-based religious system. Wow.

1:26:

Oh, cool, finally some gambling tips.

1:40:

So...we're betting on legislation? Is that what we're doing?

1:42:

All this financial stuff goes over my head. Dumb it down a little?

1:54:

Okay. Totally following you now.

1:56:

So bet on business and war? That seems kind of obvious, A. It's like you're just blowing smoke here.

1:59:

Are they enemies with the people of we?

2:01:

That's Wall Street, right? "Fix itself island?" Or at least, that's what they thought. Man, if only you had been in charge, A.!

2:07:

I never really understood the housing crisis until this second. Thank you, A.

2:10:

Michael Manslaughter knew what was up.

2:21:

Halloween was Michael Myers, though, wasn't it? Not Michael Manslaughter. But I get what you're saying about spite. When other kids got Skittles and I didn't, that was some bullshit.

2:24:

Good call, A. People are always gonna need to see.

2:32:

I know, right. We're never truly here, are we? You sure your name isn't A.-ristotle?

2:37:

...ourselves.

2:40

No welfare, am I right?

2:41:

Gordon Ramsay, you mean?

2:46:

You're a great philosopher, but that's just shitty business, A.

2:53:

Ohhhhhh. Don't get the light part-time. Get the light full-time. Sorry I doubted you, A.

2:59:

I know, man. I see you rockin' the salt-and-pepper.

3:03:

Wha...what? A., are...are you going to prison?

3:12:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

3:13:

What? Bail? They saying you a flight risk? Those damn lawyers! They did this to java zone, too, I heard!

3:19:

There's got to be a way you don't have to go inside, A. Got to be!

3:21:

What are you trying to tell, me, A.? They Live? The aliens have taken over and only you can see them? That's why they're putting you in jail?

3:24:

Oh God. Oh no. This is what you've been trying to tell me. The alien overlords are going to put us in human prison camps! I was supposed to do that! Damn it all!

3:28:

Why didn't you warn us earlier, A.? Why keep this to yourself?

3:35:

But I believe you, A.!

3:37:

A. Just what are you gonna do with your light?

3:38:

Yeah! Let's get out of here!

3:48:

Okay, hang on.

All right, I'm out here.

3:53:

What? What does that mean? A., wait! Wait, I don't understand!

Don't let the aliens get me! I want to live! I want to live de liiiiiiife!

Who: Dr. Simon Hurt

What: Publicly coming out as "Thomas Wayne"

When: July 2010

Where: Batman & Robin #13

Why it's a great moment: There are tons of moments you could identify as great ones for Dr. Simon Hurt. His "I am the hole in things speech." His prediction that the next time Batman puts on his cowl it'll be his last. Burying Batman alive after destroying his mind and forcing him to use his back-up personality.

But no image of Dr. Hurt has burned into the comics internet's collective memory like the one above, in which Hurt, before revealing himself to the public as Bruce Wayne's father, Thomas, indulges in orgiastic pleasures to celebrate having the Waynes murdered. Soon after Hurt reveals himself as Thomas Wayne, he doses all of Gotham with an addictive drug that spirals everything into chaos and shoots Dick Grayson through the head with a paralysis bullet. It all would have worked, too, if it hadn't been for a banana peel.

Tuesday, USA Today announced that the new Ultimate Spider-Man (for the record, that means he's the second Last Spider-Man) is Miles Morales, a half-black, half-Hispanic teenager.

The comics internet has exploded with controversy, with some criticizing the move as motivated by political correctness. Others see the character as being potentially inspirational.

But what do the people think? We here at the ISS, being villains of the people, dove into the comments on the original USA Today article to find out.

Close, but you're overcomplicating it. The actual first rule of comics is that you can't expect anyone to buy them.

Nice to hear the Red Skull weigh in.

I guess Judd Apatow's characters are fair game, though.

Oh shit, really? I...uh...I gotta make some calls.

Spider-Person. Jeez.

You have no idea how many times I've pitched Marvel and DC my ideas for a series called "Superheroes Cut in Half." They just won't bite.

Oh man, nice catch! They tried to throw you off by spelling it "Miles."

(comment intended)

Yeah, it was crazy a few days ago when suddenly the real world started having all these half-black, half-Hispanic people.

Yes. We all grew up with and have fond memories of what came before, whatever it was!

It really is an outrage that he's committing false impersonation, a real crime you can really commit, against our beloved vigilante.

You know, they don't even teach school kids about Spider-Man crossing the Delaware anymore.

Oh shit, really? I...uh...I gotta make some more calls.

Only a few days remain before the deadline for the U.S. government to raise its $14 trillion debt ceiling. The parties remain deadlocked (not locked up; that's our plan for next year), not over raising the ceiling but on an attached debt reduction plan. President Obama and Democrats don't want to cut social programs; Republicans adamantly don't want to raise taxes.

But are those the only options? We don't think so. Here, we present some villain-approved ideas for bringing down the debt.

We, again, aren't attending this year. Sure, we could recruit a bunch of henchmen there, but poaching nerds to wear goofy costumes and use grappling hooks isn't exactly that hard, anyway, and this Canada isn't going to turn itself into custard.

But just because we aren't there doesn't mean we can't provide our readers with some tips that almost certainly won't sew discord and chaos at Comic-Con. And so we shall tell you what kind of stuff you will almost certainly need to have over the four-day exhaust-a-thon that is Comic-Con. Here are the key items you need in your hunch-pack:

A camera. Photos are the lifeblood of a comic convention. People dress up hoping that copious photos will be taken of them and posted on the internet so that people can point out their blemishes, breast sizes and weight.

Cash in various currencies. You may think that just because you're at a convention in San Diego that all you'll need is good old American cash. But if you do, you'll be up a creek when someone asks you to pay for that Dr. Doom bust in Latverian Doomshekels, and when you can't, you get shipped off to one of the con's numerous gulags.

Dozens of longboxes of comics. There will be lots of comics creators at Comic-Con, and if you meet one, he or she will be very insulted if you don't present every comic they've ever written/drawn/inked/lettered/colored/edited for them to sign, and probably put you on a blacklist somewhere.

A tablet PC or e-reader. Of course, you can't carry around every comic ever published. So take the ones you can't bring with you on your iPad or other tablet! Creators love to sign those.

Cigarettes. For all the "smokers only" panels and parties.

A movie pitch. With the well of superheroes who can be adapted into films dwindling, Marvel, DC and the big Hollywood studios need some new ideas. In recent years, having such an idea is a requirement to enter or leave the convention center, along with a signed waiver that you won't recoup any revenues from said idea.

A Heath Ledger Joker costume. In case you need to go incognito.

Vegetable seeds. When the convention's social contract eventually breaks down sometime around Saturday afternoon and you have to start a primitive culture in a back alley within the barricades protecting you from all the Heath Ledger Jokers, these will come in handy when everyone else has lightsabers and shit.

Lightsabers and shit. They're neat.

A photograph of what you love most in the world. For the night your barricades give, and it all ends.

Condoms. They look funny when you put them on top of your head and blow them up with your nose.

Ha-ha! Psych! The truth is, we just had to cat jokes raring to go and didn't want to hold them any longer. So, here's the fanfare:

We have returned.

And why have we returned? As you're likely aware, we've been carrying out a world domination plan that spans many years. We had to take a break for a year to make sure all that went through. So we got that movie deal we'd been trying to get (hope you liked "Hop") and we managed to get Skyhorse Publishing to publish our book, The Supervillain Handbook, next spring.

That's right. We're taking over the biggest growth industry around: Book publishing.

We only had to hold them hostage for three months!

Now allow us to hold you hostage in the coming months as we post more dumb junk on a website.

In this month's issue of Superman, he saves a cat stuck in a tree.

It seems that saving cats in trees is something superheroes have done since time immemorial. And frankly, it's a big help to us. While we're turning rivers into RC Cola and making kids fatter, they're gettin' scratched by little Mittens because he doesn't like big' ol mean people! It's kind of nice.

But let's be honest. The rumor that DC Comics put the kibosh on an issue that featured a Muslim character because Superman saved a cat in it? That should have happened. Because saving cats is played out. There are more interesting things superheroes can do. Cat-related things, even! Here are some ideas for you, comics publishers, some of which you've even used in the past!