Avatar is about blue space cats killing mecha George Bush by having hair-sex with a tree.

District 9 is Avatar but not stupid.

The Princess Bride is the funniest, coolest movie ever to have a title that makes the cashier at Blockbuster look at you like you're a pedo.

Daredevil is mostly about Ben Affleck getting beaten up, yet is still very difficult to enjoy.

Requiem for a Dream is about how heroin apparently turns your life into the fucking Book of Job.

Punch Drunk Love is about Paul Thomas Anderson being totally incapable of making a bad film, even when directing a romantic comedy starring Adam Sandler.

Boogie Nights is about naked Heather Graham and naked Julianne Moore and why you should feel bad for enjoying those things.

Toy Story 3 is Toy Story 2: now with 50% more existential despair!

The Matrix is about how terrorism is totally fine if you look cool enough doing it.

In The Loop is about shit piss cunt fuck cocksucker motherfucker the Western military occupation of the Middle East was based solely on faulty evidence pushed by politicians attempting to advance their own careers tits.

Goldeneye is about BLAM DICKSHOT HA HA H- oh sorry, wrong Goldeneye.

Watchmen is about pretty every joke every comic book fan ever made about Hollywood making a Watchmen movie coming true.

Fahrenheit 9/11 is about distorting the truth to make George Bush look bad, which is kind of like lying about how much water there is in the Pacific Ocean.

Iron Man is about a rich white person who goes from killing brown people indiscriminately to killing brown people discriminately.

Iron Man 2 is about The Avengers, a major motion picture event coming from Marvel Studios in 2015.

Goodfellas is about fellows who are bad.

Big Money Rustlas is not a real movie, no matter how much it wants to pretend otherwise.

Black Dynamite is about trying to recapture the magic of Dolemite, and somehow actually pulling it off.

Die Hard rules.

Dr. Puppykicker: Oh I'm back. And so are they.

KOPhD: We pretty much had to come out of hibernation for this.

Vicious commentary after the jump.

Dr. P: "Fast becoming world renowned for its uniqueness."

KOPhD: You know, of all the statements in this 17-plus minute behemoth, that one may be the most accurate.

0:09

Dr. P: THE NATION'S ONLY TRULY UNDERGROUND MUSIC FESTIVAL SPONSORED BY ITS OWN RECORD LABEL.

0:11

Dr. P: "NO CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP" The Gathering appears to be aiming itself at the Adbusters crowd this year.

KOPhD: Did the Faygo people suddenly get cold feet and pull out? Did they just up and decide to go out of business rather than live with themselves?

0:19

KOPhD: If these guys exemplify "comedians," why do they make me want to cry?

0:20

KOPhD: Blink and you'll miss it, but here it appears their idea of a "sideshow" is a high school dance.

0:41

Dr. P: "Comradery." Seeing as how some kind of spelling error was bound to happen at some point, at least it happened to be a reasonably difficult word.

KOPhD: That's how you spell camaraderie when it's magic.

0:48

Dr. P: "You'll probably get laid." The organizers had better hope that doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.

KOPhD: That thigh-tattoo girl's in for a rough weekend.

0:53

KOPhD: This year's infomercial went for the creepy incestuous overtones way earlier. Might as well get them out of the way, I guess.

Dr. P: It's somehow comforting to know that whoever writes this stuff still hasn't realized how creepy/funny it is to keep mentioning a "giant family" while talking about how much anonymous unprotected sex everyone is having.

0:58

Dr. P: DJ Clay and Dr. Suglene Slamzel are back, and they've brought a token black Juggalo with them. This sort of reminds me of how every black person who appears at a Tea Party rally gets shoved in front of a podium to prove how not racist they are. Come to think of it, the Gathering is basically a Tea Party event from Bizarro World.

KOPhD: The weirdest thing to me is that a guy named Awesome Dre appears to be a low-rent Snoop Dogg impersonator.

1:07

KOPhD: I had no idea you had to drive through green screen country to get to the Gathering.

Dr. P: I really hope this ends up paying homage to Thelma and Louise.

1:22

Dr. P: West side won the Juggalo wars. It's what Tupac would have wanted.

KOPhD: From the posthumous "California Love" Juggalo remix:
"Soon as I stepped on the scene, I'm hearin juggalettes screamin'
Fiendin' for facepaint and alcohol
the life of a west side ninja where cowards die and its all ball"

1:34

Dr. P: He said "framily." I'm guessing that this guy is a DJ in the same sense that I'm a Doktor if you know what I mean.

1:57

KOPhD: I think we can see from this video why Twiztid has gained headliner status. I mean, that is some serious Halloween makeup.

Dr. P: It's like Jacob's Ladder if it were directed by Sam Raimi's retarded cousin and performed by actual mental patients.

2:03

Dr. P: Awesome Dre already stands out as the most competent presenter. I was wrong to write him off as the Juggalo Cousin Oliver.

KOPhD: He can feign interest with the best of them.

2:10

KOPhD: "Rare" in Juggalo-speak means "annually."

Dr. P: Performing the same act at the same venue every single year is no impediment to your appearance remaining a "special and rare occasion."

2:20

Dr. P: RYYYYYYDDDDDAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS!

KOPhD: (Several-second delay) RYYYYDAAAAAS!

2:35

Dr. P: You wouldn't know it from this clip, but Blaze Ya Dead Homie actually closes his live shows with a really effective reworking of "Big Yellow Taxi."

KOPhD: But it's a straight Joni Mitchell cover, none of this Counting Crows bullshit.

2:48

Dr. P: And now, the tender side... of Boondox.

3:02

Dr. P: As a leading member of the International Archnemesis Guild, I'd like to take this moment to remind everyone that if Anybody Killa does in fact become the worst enemy that you've ever had, don't pin that shit on us.

KOPhD: I don't think you can become someone's worst enemy if you go around just killing anybody.

3:15

Dr. P: Have I already started hallucinating? Because that looked like honest-to-God, straightforward, not blatantly moronic rap for a moment.

KOPhD: It's pretty cute that the Juggalos went out and got their own Ja Rule.

3:25

KOPhD: Oh no! Not skullies!

Dr. P: This clip is probably what anyone over forty-five thinks all rap music is actually like.

3:31

Dr. P: Is it just me or does Dr. Slamzel look as though she's been crying?

KOPhD: Yes, the Gathering hurts her. But that's because it loves her.

3:36

Dr. P: There was definitely a twinge of desperation in her cry of "Woo hoo let's go!" I think we might actually get to see a human soul die before this video ends.

3:42

KOPhD: That's how you sign good acts to your festival. Call them "muthafuckahs."

4:02

Dr. P: Method Man is in this? I cannot abide anything that even tenuously links The Wire to ICP.

KOPhD: I dunno, the theme of each human life becoming worth less is a pretty steady through-line between them.

4:38

Dr. P: Tom Green and Juggalos. It's like chocolate and peanut butter. In hell.

KOPhD: Those Vitamin Water anti-jokes are going to go over swell with the facepaint crowd, I can tell.

4:43

Dr. P: So prop comedian and insane racist Gallagher is going to be at an event surrounded by rappers. What's the over/under on a Michael Richards-esque freakout?

KOPhD: I hope he rushes the stage during a performance and tells Twiztid how they're rapping wrong.

4:48

Dr. P: It's good to know that fake-ass Gilligan motherfucker won't be here to besmirch Gallagher's good standing in the Juggalo community.

5:05

Dr. P: Ron Jeremy and Gallagher at the same event? How are we supposed to tell them apart? Without having to look at Gallagher's penis I mean.

KOPhD: If they can get Mario to show up they'll get the hat trick.

5:09

KOPhD: Hahahahaha! Ahhhh.

Dr. P: Sugar Slam says "he does have good dick jokes" but her eyes say "when will the hurting stop?"

5:27

Dr. P:The Gathering is Wild West themed this year. Oh sweet, I LOVE the fucking Eagles man!

KOPhD: Here's hoping Kenneth Branagh will attack it with a giant steam-powered spider.

5:31

KOPhD: I guess building their beat around police siren sounds is the way Kottonmouth Kings show that their weed-smoking ways are just too raw for the law.

Dr. P: I just realized Juggalos refer to each other as "ninja" because it's the closest sounding thing to a certain other word that a bunch of rap-obsessed white teenagers can't get away with saying.

5:39

KOPhD: On a related topic, let's hope the name Brotha Lynch Hung doesn't become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

5:57

Dr. P: Above the Law is playing the Gathering of the Juggalos? Wow, we really are in a recession, aren't we?

KOPhD: And then Warren G! He has apparently not done a good job of regulating...his finances.

6:20

Dr. P: All right, what is Dr. Slamzel's deal? She sounds like she's barely keeping it together. Is she going through cocaine withdrawl? Has she just realized that she will be primarily remembered as an advertising prop for a somehow even more embarrassing version of KISS? Or is she simply such a terrible actress that she can't feign enthusiasm for something she genuinely enjoys?

KOPhD: I'm going to guess it's unrequited love for an absent Haystak.

6:52

KOPhD: Apparently the proper attire for Juggalette Ladies Night is cutoff Daisy Dukes with the pockets hanging out.

Dr. P: Feminist scholars are bitterly divided over whether or not "Juggalette Ladies Night" constitutes a gain for their movement.

KOPhD: I think the fact that it's on the second stage and that they're inviting horny Juggalos to it should answer that question definitively.

7:19

KOPhD: I hear Ill E. Gal is in the running to be the first female "Punch-Out!!" character.

7:27

Dr. P: Sugar Slam went to high school with Tila Tequila. That factoid answers questions I didn't even know I had.

KOPhD: That high school must have specialized in some kind of reverse education.

7:45

KOPhD: I'm guessing this is part of Lil' Kim's court-ordered public service.

Dr. P: I suppose I should be taken aback that Lil' Kim is appearing at this event, but after the bombshell that was Method Man, they could say Elvis Costello was going to appear and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised. Hell, he even looks a bit Juggalesque on the cover of "Spike."

8:21

KOPhD: And suddenly...a Sugar Ray video!

8:30

Dr. P: DAMN IT GATHERING STOP THROWING OUT ACTS I UNIRONICALLY KIND OF LIKE DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD YOU'RE MAKING THIS

KOPhD: I wonder if Kevin Smith will make a surprise appearance.

8:52

Dr. P: Big B seems to present himself as a rap version of Popeye.

KOPhD: You'd think "act that follows Coolio" wouldn't be that hard of a bill to fill, but here we are.

9:08

KOPhD: What happened to "no corporate sponsorship," guys? Huh?

Dr. P: Awesome Dre's sunglasses technique will be the Sensational Animated GIF Find of 2010. Mark my words.

9:14

Dr. P: "My mama always said that there ain't no two Juggalos alike, truthfully."

9:19

Dr. P: Juggalos are like snowflakes. Every one is different, but only in small, meaningless ways that don't really matter to anyone who has to put up with large amounts of them. Also, they're both almost universally white.

KOPhD: A contrasting taste in music was just presented as a difference among people whose one key shared trait was musical preference. I need to lie down.

9:26

Dr. P: Independent musicians from every single genre? Does this mean I can look forward to Aimee Mann onstage with the boys kickin' the Faygo?

KOPhD: "Ian MacKaye on stilts, y'all!"

10:30

Dr. P: This... this is actually a pretty damn decent line up they've got here. I mean, Slick Rick? Am I being Punk'd?

KOPhD: I have a feeling that in the middle of performing "It Takes Two" for Juggalos, Rob Base is going to spontaneously combust.

10:52

KOPhD: "All around the fuckin' blizzock." I swear I think somebody wrote this copy just to see if they could get the announcer to quit right there on the spot.

10:55

Dr. P: Helicopter rides are back, although they are apparently noticeably less crazy than last year.

KOPhD: You have to have a permit for that.

11:16

KOPhD: "Oh, don't worry Slick Rick, this is a professional festival for professionals. Hed PE and Vanilla Ice will be there!"

Dr. P: Vanilla Ice and Method Man at the same event should probably cause some kind of antimatter reaction that destroys the universe.

11:27

Dr. P: "The Alfred Hitchcock of hip-hop." In that he's extremely fat?

KOPhD: You don't remember all those Hitchcock movies that were so grainy it was impossible to make out what was going on?

11:40

Dr. P: "We got midgets for ya."

KOPhD: Whew! Dodged a bullet there.

12:21

Dr. P: I like how Corporal Robinson, maybe the biggest name involved in this thing, is pretending to hitchhike to his own event.

KOPhD: What is that blanket thing he's carrying around? Some kind of wrestling blanket? Or is he just homeless and that's what he sleeps on?

12:39

Dr. P: ...and boy are my arms tired! Oh, that wasn't where you were going with that? I'll just see myself out then.

12:58

KOPhD: Good to know that Corporal Robinson isn't such a stuck-up athlete type that he can't have a cigarette with him at all times, including during public speaking events.

13:08

Dr. P: Willis will be wrestling at the Gathering of the Juggalos. Is this what they meant by "miracles?"

KOPhD: Gary Coleman actually seems to have had the preferable fate.

14:09

Dr. P: A bunch of drunken, burly men wrestling outdoors at four in the morning while scrawny rednecks peer at them with flashlights? Sounds like an evening at King O's place! HEY-O!

KOPhD: We do have fun.

14:50

Dr. P: Juggalos have been waiting for Big Money Rustlas for over ten years? Seriously? Well, at least it's still probably going to be less disappointing than Avatar.

KOPhD: At least they managed to score a theatrical release of one showing on one screen.

14:59

KOPhD: Even that horse wants to kick the shit out of the words "Psychopathic Records."

Dr. P: This is the least promising opening credit since "In association with Hasbro."

15:02

KOPhD: Here's where I would talk at length about how 1837 was the very earliest days of the American Old West, and how very few areas would have the infrastructure shown in this trailer, and the West would certainly not have been the West Coast as ICP seems to believe, since the first gold rush wasn't until the late 1840s, but it seems like a wasted effort, so.

15:14

Dr. P: RECORD SCR- wait, it actually did that? Seriously? Goddamn.

KOPhD: Is that Richard Moll? Bull, how far you have fallen.

15:20

Dr. P: Well it's nice to know SOMEONE is laughing at this.

15:36

KOPhD: Based on the number of slaps so far, I'm going to guess that gag's in the movie...let's say, 400 times.

15:46

Dr. P: Hey, Pedro from South of the Border landed himself a movie role!

15:55

Dr. P: Interesting tidbit, Daniel Day Lewis was briefly considered for the role of Sherriff Sugarwolf, but had to back out due to scheduling conflicts.

KOPhD: It's probably for the best. They needed a lighter touch for this role.

16:14

KOPhD: It looks like they went all out with these 1990s-style "Mac n Me" Christian straight-to-video titles.

16:23

Dr. P: Ha! That was even funnier the third time!

16:48

KOPhD: Make that 600 slaps.

Dr. P: Yeah, I know how that guy feels.

KOPhD: They literally ended the trailer with a whimper. Wow.

17:04

Dr. P: "I'd put that on my nuts, bitch." Wait, why did we bother mocking this again?

KOPhD: "The greatest time you motherfucker will ever have." Either the announcer was so tired and upset he just skipped the commas or that is the worst sentence I have ever heard.

17:11

Dr. P: "Tickets also available at Hot Topic." Well of course they are.

17:16

KOPhD: It's gonna be hard to have a Ladies Night when you're requiring everyone to grow testes.

17:22

Dr. P: Wait, I thought it was music that was magic, pure and clean. You can't even hold it. It's just there in the air.

Man, I'm hungry.

KOPhD: Don't forget rainbows and pelicans and children and magnets. Juggalos "makes" all those things happen, man.

In short, we don't have time for it anymore. After a lull where we decided to take a turn away from evil toward making fun of movie trailers and laughing at our own kind, we have decided to focus our energies toward more evil endeavors.

The ghostwriter of our still-available book has started a new site of his own titled High-Minded BS and continues to write for The Bureau Chiefs.

Our archives will remain here to poison your minds.

Keep your eyes open.

What: Breaking 42 Supervillains out of the Raft.

When: January 2005

Where: The New Avengers #1

Why its a great moment: The Raft was a maximum-maximum security prison made for supervillains. The place was swarming with S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, including a few super-powered ones. The inmates were kept in solitary behind steel and adamantium cells under water with their powers neutralized. Plus, they were drugged for shits and giggles.

Despite the billions of dollars in technology and the presence of sixty-seven S.H.I.E.L.D. officers, Spider-Woman, Luke Cage and Daredevil, Electro managed to bust in and release everyone. He does so looking oh so fabulous, too. I never understood why he wears that green and yellow eyesore of a costume, but now I know its because its the only outfit loose enough to comfortably fit his enormous balls.

He came for one prisoner in particular, but frees them all. He says they owe him huge but doesn't really collect, which is kind of the villain equivolent of saying "pay it forward, bitches!" The breakout is such a pain in the ass that The Avengers have no choice but to reform after disbanding six months previously. Catching the 42 escapees becomes the major plots for the next few months, in every Marvel title.

But wait, there's more.

Some of those convicts hide out in Stamford, CT next to a school. New Warriors try to catch them, and 600 people are killed in a firey explosion by Nitro in the process. This leads to superhero registration, which leads to the Civil War, which leads to the death of Captain America.

But that's not all.

The guy Electro sprung from the Raft was a Skrull. The people who hired him, were Skrulls. A number of those prisoners, Skrulls. What did all these Skrulls do when they got together on the outside? Secret Invasion of the Earth.

One more thing. The Civil War gave Norman Osborn, The Green Goblin, control of The Thunderbolts. The Secret Invasion put Osborn in charge of S.H.I.E.L.D. With this power shift Osborn controls the Dark Avengers, Dark X-Men, Thunderbolts and H.A.M.M.E.R. a time known as Dark Reign.

Electro's costume may look like something Elton John turned down, but in a way he's responsible for most of the major events in the Marvel Universe over the last five years.

And for that, we salute him

Over the weekend, the Huffington Post posted this little gem of real world advice by a Manhattan CEO to inform people of a great way to save money in their daily routine.

The trick, you see, is to use stuff you bought at the grocery store.

(Side note: The Huffington Post has apparently now taken the post down, presumably because it was saving readers too much money and the sponsors were getting upset.)

But now that writer Alexa von Tobel has released readers from the shackles of financial burden, what advice can she now provide to the uninformed non-CEOs of the world?

We just happen to have some column ideas for her:

Plastic Man: The Great and Powerful Oz

Notable Skills: Shapeshifting, seemingly indestructable.

Why it's perfect: The land of Oz is a multicolored dream land with talking animals, walking bushes and the people are ruled by a conman who told them he was magic. Seriously, nobody questioned his authority for a long time either. They just took his word for it.

The wizard had a few tricks, he changed shapes and had had a balloon and stuff. But in the end he was just a humbug. Plastic Man can do that, and has the added advantage of being able to kill everybody in the city if they try and call his bullshit. He's nuts too. Crazy + Powerful = Hilarious! Should the mood strike him the entire Emerald City could be gone with crazy cartoon violence, you know, like as a joke.

So if the people of Oz liked an insane dictator who pretends to shapeshift and flies around in a balloon, they're going to love their new insane dictator who can shapeshift into a balloon!

Second Choice: Harlem Globetrotter

Notable Skills: The lantern shape on his ring can produce an energy capable of incredible, nearly limitless power.

Why it's perfect: Replace the word "lantern" with "heart", "ring" with "tummy", and "incredible, nearly limitless" with "heart-shaped" and there you go.

Sure, he's about three feet taller. And sure, given his weakness to yellow he would become Friendship Bear's bitch. Still, the Green Lantern Corps aren't exactly a tougher crowd. For a career choice, its a lateral step.

Second Choice: Summoning Captain Planet with one ring instead of five.

Superman: Mankind Enslaver

Notable Skills: Speed, strength, heat vision, you know what? The list is too damn long, just look it up.

Why it's perfect: Kal-El always had trouble fitting in among humans. It isn't surprising, he basically lives in a world made out of paper and he's trying to fit in among insects. Its a wonder he doesn't just destroy people all the time.

Have you ever pissed off and get yelled at by some stranger? Some random douchebag on a bad day? Imagine having the ability to turn that stranger into dust with your eyeballs, but instead walking away every time. He must be doing yoga or something because any one of us would tear the planet apart the second some jackass took our parking spot.

We say, go for it. Evil is so much cooler than heroism. You don't have to apologize for anything. You can keep all your Netflix and say the post office lost them. You can eat nothing but pancakes all day and nobody can say shit to you. "What's that Mr. Dentist? I should floss better? I'm sorry, I can't hear you so well because you're dead!"

Since we've already established there's no more Justice League you're safe there. For that matter, how is that stopping him now? Would Superman need to be afraid of a Care Bear or a Harlem Globetrotter? And how much of that Kryptonite stuff can there be on this planet anyway?

Second Choice: We assume Clark Kent can type. Maybe he can finish that steamy romance novella.

Batman: The Jigsaw Killer

Notable Skills: Wealth, inventions, psychosis

Why it's perfect: Fun fact: Did you know that the phrase "batshit crazy" was named after Batman? The guy's missing more than a few squirrels on the farm. The only reason Commisioner Gordon hasn't locked him up is because Gotham cops are lazy and don't mind him getting shot at.

But if he wants to keep punishing the wicked, it's time to put down the mask and pick up the creepy-ass clown doll. It fits so well. If anybody has the money to make these elaborate killing devices it would be him. Torture warehouses don't grow on trees either. It probably could be written off as a business expense, but still, its expensive.

Its not like he would be killing anybody. They'd be killing themselves by their own bad decisions! Or you know, if they couldn't unlock their head in time or something. Or if they couldn't figure out the needlessly complicated puzzle. Hey, you know who'd appreciate being tortured this way? The Riddler.

Plus, the Saw dude died like five movies ago. (Oh, um, spoiler alert, those things go after, right?) Who's still out there killing everybody?

I guess the point is, not only would Batman make a great Jigsaw Killer, he probably already is.

Second Choice: When times are tough a millionaire playboy has got to make ends meet somehow. Maybe he can get a paper route.

What's it look like, you say? Well, here's a recent example from ComicsAlliance.com of some minimalistic re-done movie posters.

"But aren't those just hastily thrown together colors and shapes run through a Photoshop filter with some text put on there?" you ask. "And aren't the Batman and Catwoman ones exactly the same?"

Well, clearly you don't understand, man.

And we felt like we needed to get in on the action! Enjoy!

Iron Man 2

What it's about: Innocent billionaire industrialist playboy Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) just wants to spend a nice quiet evening with his group of dancers that dress up in costumes that resemble the cybernetic explosion-making suit he made for himself. But then some Russian dude (Mickey Rourke) with some kind of a problem with Stark having made all kinds of weapons and shit fucks up his racecar! Man, it is on now!

What to expect: For a powerful, moving story about responsibility for the mistakes of one's past, punctuated with poignant AC/DC songs.

Babies

What it's about: Babies.

What to expect: Babies.

Robin Hood

What it's about: Robin Longstride, a.k.a. Robin of the Hood (Russell Crowe) don't much like the government gettin' all involved in his life and tellin' him what to do! He he gets together a ragtag group of average, hardworking, white citizens and decides to go show that tyrannical king a thing or two about what liberty really is! (Clearly this thought would have no appeal to any group in today's political environment.)

What to expect: A crash course in self-seriousness from the master, Russell Crowe. Even when he shoots a hilarious arrow into his wanted notice, he's scowling!

Letters to Juliet

What it's about: Some girl with nothing better to do (Amanda Seyfried) decided to get all involved in the private, 53-year old business of some lady (Vanessa Redgrave) who has long moved on and probably doesn't ever want to think about it again. But weirdly, enough, the guy the old lady used to be in love with isn't dead! And her angry grandson for some reason stops being mad about being dragged to Italy for a wild goose chase!

What to expect: For the movie to play out exactly like the trailer, just, you know, about seven times longer.

Just Wright

What it's about: A very nice woman with a great personality (Queen Latifah) gets tired of being told she's nice and has a great personality. Luckily, a player for the New Jersey Nets (Common) who has no idea how to take care of himself encounters her at a gas station! Then, he starts dating her hot friend! Then, he gets injured and she becomes his physical therapist! Then, her hot friend leaves him under the realistic notion that she could be dating a starter! Then, it's impossible to predict what happens!

What to expect: For Common and Queen Latifah to drop the therapist/NBA player act and seal the romantic deal with a freestyle rap battle. (If this actually happened, I would pay money to see this movie.)

Who: Master Miller/Liquid Snake (voiced by Cam Clarke)

What: Revealing that Solid Snake has been doing his dirty work the whole time

When: October 1998

Where: Metal Gear Solid

Why it's a great moment: Say what you will about his cheesy voice acting and ridiculous English accent, Liquid Snake has it where it counts: In straight-up crazy deviousness. He and his crew of deadly animal-themed misanthropes (who oddly seem to want to really kill Solid Snake and are willing to fight him to the death despite the fact he is the chief actor in their entire scheme to get Metal Gear Rex up and running) play the mullety hero for a huge sap, laying the above bombshell on him about three-quarters into the game.

It's a hell of a twist, made all the more wonderful by Liquid's melodramatic cackling, sunglass removal and shampoo-ad hair toss.

And for that, we salute him.

Got a suggestion for one of villainy's greatest moments -- in comics, movies, books, TV, video games, whatever? Drop us a line at submissions@the-iss.com.

So buy it already.

Then go rate and review it!

Do you have a job?

Of course you don't, the economy sucks right now. The few of you out there that do have jobs, I'm just going to take a stab at it and guess, you're there right now, aren't you? Keep up the good work. With unemployment you need to keep your options open. OJ Simpson was a decent football player, but was equally suited to acting and double homicide.

With crime on an unstoppable rise, soon even The Justice League will have to close shop. No need for them to worry though. With their skills there are plenty of jobs they could land.

Aquaman: Homicide Detective, Miami

Notable Skills: Breathes under water, talks to fish, swims fast

Why its perfect: Let's start with the city itself, Miami. The metropolis on Florida's coast with a violent crime rate two and a half times the national average.

If Miami Vice, CSI Miami or Grand Theft Auto have taught us anything, its if you are killed there, you are a hooker, and your body was dumped in the ocean. (There is a 30% chance you are Cuban)

In about five minutes he can get some dolphin to find the body, the weapon and ID the guy who did it. That's lunch. After that, he'll bring in Dexter, just for the hell of it.

Second Choice: When your first gig is "fight crime under water", bus boy at Applebee's is a step up.

Notable Skills: Incredible speed, "Fastest Man Alive"

Why its perfect: Most would say that any competitive sport would be perfect, given the speed advantage. But if you think about it, none of those sports are even a challenge for him. It would be like getting paid to arm wrestle preschoolers. He'd become bored and feel unfufilled. Not to mention if you are tired of hearing congress bitch about steriods in baseball now, what do you think they would do with this guy? NASCAR offers the perfect challenge of trying to be the fastest, while stuck in a vehicle infinantly slower than if he got out and pushed. Beats delivering pizzas which is also appropriate.

Second Choice: Jockey. Basically take the professional racing and add the element of another living creature who will NEVER be as fast as he is and you'll witness Flash as you never have before; sobbing a string of profanities at some stupid horse.

Wonder Woman: American Gladiator

Notable Skills: strength, intellegence, ability to discern the truth.

Why its perfect: She's already got the outfit. She wouldn't need a new name. She'd be just about as intimidating as she is now. You know, like how a really small dog can still bite pretty hard but can't reach any vital organs? Something like that.

Quick question, can you be an American Gladiator if you aren't American? Wasn't Gyro or someone Swedish? Who cares.

Second Choice: Secretary of State

Whatever it is, it had to be some kind of diabolical plot. Something we can clearly learn from. And so we decided to take a closer look at the being known as Ke$ha's mannerisms and methods.

Let's jump right in, shall we?

0:05: Say what you will about Ryan Phillippe as an actor. His John Cena impression here is spot on.

0:27: So the first thing we can learn from this is that the secret to being a huge pop star is to look as nervous as possible, like maybe you have a solo in a church play. Good.

0:49: What does she keep looking at? Is it someone who hates America and all it stands for? What it stands for, of course, being this shit.

1:09: Pop-star tip #2: Sing in a language that only somewhat resembles English.

1:23: Was it really such a good idea for her to have backup dancers that look like bad Daft Punk rip-offs while she sings an incredibly terrible Daft Punk rip-off? The mind boggles.

1:57: Pop-star tip #3: The robot always wins the crowds over.

2:28: oh shit I thought she was really gonna collapse there I think she's anemic you guys

2:41: Seriously, aren't these like the hand motions that go with "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands?"

3:06: Huh. I didn't know she played an instrument.

3:17: MY MIND HAS EXPLODED

3:37: I'm very confused now about when she needs and doesn't need a handheld mic. Maybe it's one of her strange alien ways.

4:17: Pop-star tip #4: Confetti.

0:05: And now Phillippe is Cena's character from "The Marine!" Man, he's good!

0:16: Pop-star tip #5: Outdated trends from the '70s (blacklights) plus outdated trends from the '90s (voguing).

0:53: I think the main idea for this performance is, "What if you were watching 'The Gods Must Be Crazy'...on acid?"

1:07: Careful, sound guys. I think she's gonna eat that microphone.

1:57: Pop-star tip #6: Listen to Daft Punk's "Discovery" like, a year ago, and say, "I'm going to basically remake that, but without all the talent and with a lot more obnoxious vocals."

2:31: Pop-star tip #7: Sparklers!

3:06: Pop-star tip #8: Just have no self-respect whatsoever. (For reference, this is the only one you really need to know.)

Subjects' powers: The ability to contort his body wildly along with a very high tolerance for pain

Why this power seems good: It would be pretty handy to be able to crinkle up your arms and legs and be able to squeeze out of an air vent every now and again. And, you know, the not hurting part would be nice.

Why it might actually suck: Markel Jr. has to take a special medication to keep his bones from literally ripping out of his skin. Let me repeat that: He needs medicine to keep his bones from coming out of his skin.

Also, it would be terrible to have that Aerosmith song stuck in your head all the time.

Who: Ivan Drago (as portrayed by Dolph Lundgren)

What: Four little words

When: November 1985

Where: Rocky IV

Why it's a great moment: Let's consider, for a moment, who Ivan Drago is. This is a man who, in an exhibition match, mind you, killed Apollo Creed in the ring, and said, "If he dies, he dies."

This is a guy who, when he was losing the match to Rocky, picked up his manager by the neck and said he only fights for himself.

And this is a guy who straight up tells his opponent, when he's supposed to be shaking his hand, that he's going to break him.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a man interested in sportsmanlike victory. Nor is it a man who cares much about patriotism. This is a man who just loves beating the fuck out of dudes.

And for that, we salute him.

Got a suggestion for one of villainy's greatest moments -- in comics, movies, books, TV, video games, whatever? Drop us a line at submissions@the-iss.com.

If you've been anywhere near the internet over the past few days, you've probably seen or said something similar to this:

If for some reason you're unfamiliar with the Double Down, here's the deal: It's a sandwich that consists of bacon, two kinds of cheese and a special sauce in between two fried chicken patties, which act as the bread.

And yes, that is a mighty unhealthy sandwich. It's got as many calories as a large order of french fries and enough sodium to cure a country ham. But let's face it, folks: As murder food, it's pretty weak. We could do a lot better.

Let's brainstorm, shall we?