International Society of Supervillains

February 2010 Movie Preview, Part 2

In Bruges, reduced to five panels and made much dumber.

Villainy's Greatest Moments: "I'm Sorry You Had To See Me Like That"

A look at the movies coming up in the last two weeks of February, including "Shutter Island," "Cop Out" and "The Crazies."

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

John Locke/Smokey was at least polite after killing a cave full of dudes.

Creating the Ultimate Supervillain Football Team, Part 2

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, cut to five panels and made very timely.

by Villainous Godot

Continued from here.

The ISS Takes on...: The Oscar Nominations

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Hard Boiled

Sandra Bullock: Oscar nominee. George Lopez guest star.

February 2010 Movie Preview, Part 1

Hard Boiled, reduced to five panels and made much dumber.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Zach and Miri Make a Porno

Our look at the movies coming out in the first two weeks of February, including "From Paris With Love," "Valentine's Day," and "The Wolfman."

The ISS Takes on: The Late Night Scuffle

Zach and Miri Make a Porno, reduced to five panels.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Desperado

The whole Leno/Conan shakeup has been the catalyst of a lot of bad things. But nothing as terrible and harmful as this.

January 2010 Movie Preview, Part 2

"Desperado," reduced to five panels and with a lot more Taylor Swift added in.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Brotherhood of the Wolf

Our look at the movies coming out in the last two weeks of January, including "Extraordinary Measures," "Tooth Fairy," and "When in Rome."

Villainy's Greatest Moments: The Master Can't Decide

"Brotherhood of the Wolf," cut down to five panels and made much frattier.

January 2010 Movie Preview, Part 1

Whether you should live or die.

Our look at the movies coming out in early January, including "Daywalkers," "Leap Year" and "The Book of Eli."

2009 Year In Music Quiz

Villainy's Greatest Moments: "...And Decrease the Surplus Population!"

The following is a comprehensive exam covering the 2009 year in music.

The ISS Takes On: Michael Bay's "Victoria's Secret" Commercial

Scrooge knew how to verbally fuck some dudes up before those ghosts got to him.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Bad Santa

Even he can't screw this up, right?

December 2009 Movie Preview, Part 2

"Bad Santa," reduced to five panels and made...less evil, surprisingly.

Villainy's Greatest Moments: "He's Beginning to Smell a Lot Like X-mas"

Our look at the movies coming out in the last two weeks of December, including "Avatar," "Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel," and "Sherlock Holmes."

The ISS Takes On: 'The 40 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It'

Robot Santa didn't just kill some kid's grandpa. He killed a really dumb kid's grandpa.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Hard Rain

This is a thing that exists, which is horrible.

Villainy's Greatest Moments: Potter Steals $8K

"Hard Rain" re-cut into five panels and just as forgettable.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Paranormal Activity

Henry Potter knew when to keep his mouth shut and sit on $8 G's.

December 2009 Movie Preview, Part 1

"Paranormal Activity" reduced to five...uh, make that two...panels.

The ISS Takes on: Stormsink's YouTube Review of 'New Moon'

A look at the movies coming out in the first two weeks of December, including "Invictus," "Up in the Air," and "The Lovely Bones."

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Masters of the Universe

Stormsink loves the nWo, Halo 3 and Twilight. Let's see what he had to say about "New Moon," shall we?

Villainy's Greatest Moments: Conning Snake Plissken

"Masters of the Universe," reduced to five panels and made more talk-show-y.

by Villainous Godot

How best to treat your best supersoldier? Infect him with a deadly virus to get him to do your dirty work, that's how.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Raging Bull

November 2009 Movie Preview, Part 2

"Raging Bull," cut down to five panels and made much dumber.

Villainy's Greatest Moments: "Now Is Not a Time"

A look at the movies coming out in the last two weeks of November, including "The Twilight Saga: New Moon," "The Fantastic Mr. Fox" and "The Road."

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Funny People

All Anton Chigurh has to do to scare the fuck out of you is flip a coin.

The Pizza Personality Test

"Funny People," essentially re-cut into "Laughing People."

The ISS Takes on: Hippies

The key to knowing a person lies not in their birthstone, star alignment or spirit animal. No; if you really want to know about your inner soul just think on your favorite pizza

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Capitalism: A Love Story

Recently I was quite cruel about hippies. And rightly so. They're scum. But perhaps I was a wee bit over-cruel. So, by way of penance here are some nice things about hippies.

November 2009 Movie Preview, Part 1

"Capitalism: A Love Story," re-cut into five panels, and just as effective.

The BloodRayne Drinking Game

Our look at some of the movies coming out in the first two weeks of November, including "Disney's a Chirstmas Carol," "The Fourth Kind" and "2012."

Villainy's Greatest Moments: "They Will Give Me Power! Undreamed-of Power!"

The vampire craze started with "BloodRayne."

The ISS Takes on: Stan Helsing

Dr. Carl Hill really knew how to unveil an army of lobotomized, reanimated corpses.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: The Shining

A movie this unfunny is as scary as movies come.

12 Ways the Ending to "Paranormal Activity" Could Have Been Better

"The Shining," reduced to five panels and made much Yahooier.

We've got so many ideas for your labor-of-love movie you made on a shoestring budget and which has seen unprecedented success.

Evil Reality TV

Villainy's Greatest Moments: "Ride Through There!"

Just imagine we wrote this in 2003.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Supergirl

Brad Wesley seemed to have a lot of fun destroying the businesses in the town he supposedly built up from nothing.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Gladiator

"Supergirl," reduced to five panels and made into something more like performance art.

October 2009 Movie Preview, Part 2

"Gladiator," re-cut into five panels and made much more meta.

Villainy's Greatest Moments: "...And All the Powers of Hell!"

A look at the movies coming up in the last two months of October, including "Saw VI," "Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant," and "This Is It."

8 Things About Life I Learned From Beatles Rock Band

Maleficent owned that prince's ass.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: The Perfect Man

Playing The Beatles: Rock Band was a learning experience.

October 2009 Movie Preview, Part 1

"The Perfect Man," cut down to five panels and made much more philosophical.

ISS Mailbag: The New Dynas Album

A look at the movies coming out in the first three weeks of October, including "Capitalism: A Love Story," "Zombieland," "Couples Retreat," and "Where the Wild Things Are."

Villainy's Greatest Moments: "When I'm Paid, I Always See the Job Through"

Sometimes we get e-mails here at the ISS. But few are as disappointing as this one from a rap "promoter."

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Frost/Nixon

Angel Eyes was undoubtedly the Bad.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: The Wrestler

Frost/Nixon, re-cut into five panels and made much dumber.

Villainy's Greatest Moments: "Long Live the King"

"The Wrestler," cut down to five panels and made much dumber.

September 2009 Movie Preview, Part 2

Scar was one cold motherfucker.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Evan Almighty

A look at the movies coming out in the second two weeks of September, including "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs," "Jennifer's Body," and "Astro Boy."

September 2009 Movie Preview, Part 1

"Evan Almighty" re-cut into five panels and made much dumber.

Villainy's Greatest Moments: 'You're Gonna Die Now!'

Our look at the movies coming out in the first two weeks of September, including "Gamer," "Extract," and "I Can Do Bad All By Myself."

The ISS Takes on: The Teaser for James Cameron's 'Avatar'

Hank Scorpio knew how to get shit done.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: The Duchess

James Cameron may have accidentally directed a Starcraft rip-off. Or "Delgo."

Villainy's Greatest Moments: Facial Self-Surgery

"The Duchess," re-cut into, well, from what I can tell, what it actually was.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Milk

Captain Vidal made lemonade out of a slashed-up face.

August 2009 Movie Preview, Part 2

Milk, reduced to five panels and made much less relevant.

The ISS Takes on: The 10th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos Infomercial

A look at the movies coming out in the second week of August, including "Inglorious Basterds," "Halloween II" and "The Final Destination."

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: No Country For Old Men

The Gathering of the Juggalos is this weekend in Cave in Rock, Illinois. Now you know what town to most avoid.

Games Villains Play: Battlefield 1943

If you were in "No Country For Old Men," you'd be scared of Javier Bardem, too.

by Reverend Rogue

More strategically minded players will note that there are many interesting ways of completing each objective and taking down enemy vehicles. Sometimes all it takes is an evil mind and a little skill to win the day.

Villainy's Greatest Moments: 'I Read About Them In Time Magazine'

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Wall-E

Hans Gruber knows the best places to get the information villains need to fool the authorities.

August 2009 Movie Preview, Part 1

"Wall-E," cut down to five panels and made much sadder.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Iron Man

Our look at the movies coming out in the first two weeks of August, including "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra," "District 9," and "Julie and Julia."

Scenes We Can't Wait to See in "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince"

"Iron Man," reduced to five panels and made much dumber.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Gran Torino

Here are the 10 Scenes I can't Wait to See in "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince."

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

"Gran Torino," cut down to five panels and made much dumber.

July 2009 Movie Preview, Part 2

"X-Men Origins: Wolverine," cut down to five panels and made much dumber.

Villainous Recommendations: Matt and Marlene Devour the Culture

Our look at the movies coming out during the last three weeks of July, including "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," "The Ugly Truth" and "Funny People."

The ISS Takes on: Transformers 2

They're not supervillains, that's for sure, and we most definitely want to crush them, but

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Yes Man

We figured it would be stupid. We didn't count on it being an immense stumbling block for American equality.

July 2009 Movie Preview, Part 1

"Yes Man" re-cut into five comic panels and made much dumber.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Slumdog Millionaire

Our look at the movies coming out in the first two weeks of July, including "Public Enemies," "Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs" and "Bruno."

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Half Nelson

"Slumdog Millionaire," cut down to five panels and made much dumber.

June 2009 Movie Preview, Part 2

The movie "Half Nelson" cut down to five panels and made much dumber.

The ISS Takes on: The MTV Movie Awards

Our look at the movies hitting theaters in the last two weeks of June, including "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" and "Year One."

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

You know, we thought we could all get past paying attention to something as irrelevant and meaningless as the MTV Movie awards, but we just couldn't, could we?

June 2009 Movie Preview, Part 1

"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," (mercifully) cut down to just five panels.

The ISS Takes on: EMI Records

Our look at movies coming out in the first two weeks of June, including "Land of the Lost," "The Hangover" and "The Taking of Pelham 123."

Pack Your Shit: It's the Endtimes

Somehow, the stars aligned, and Danger Mouse, Sparklehorse and fucking David Lynch joined forces to record an album called "Dark Night of the Soul." Amazing collaborations like that don't come along too often, and you'd think just about any record company would be pissing its pants to be able to put it out.But, of course, because record companies always do things that are completely counter-intuitive, EMI decided to not put it out at all for undisclosed legal reasons.

by Reverend Rogue

Generally, we here at the ISS aren't what you would call...superstitious. In the never ending battle against the pansy forces of good, we generally go about our cycle and not really worry whats up with the rest of the world. Plot, do battle with nemesis, achieve either victory or defeat, kill a few henchmen in frustration (or celebration) of aforementioned outcome...rinse, lather, repeat.

The ISS Takes on: Tyler Perry's Appearance in 'Star Trek'

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Norbit

If you've seen the new "Star Trek" movie you've probably noticed that Tyler Perry, that's right, Madea herself, had a small role as the admiral in charge of Starfleet Academy. With that in mind, here are some suggestions for future entries in the "Star Trek" franchise.

What 8 Companies' Ads Would Say if They Were Being Honest

"Norbit," reduced to five panels and made much...well, it would be hard to make it dumber.

by Operative X

When I'm not busy toppling democratically-elected governments or snuffing celebrities who use their adoption fetish as a way to draw the world's attention to suffering, I'm engaging in more subtle forms of PsyOps for my lords and ladies in the International Society of Supervillains. Namely, advertising. Yeah, the ISS runs most of the world's marketing firms, which isn't all that surprising. What was surprising was the lords and ladies asking me to lay bare some of the coded messages behind the world's most ubiquitous corporate presences. But then the wisdom of this idea hit me: why not tell you exactly how we're co-opting all of you into insecure little need-monsters? Truth in advertising, people.

8 Pick-Up Lines Used by Jon of "Jon & Kate Plus 8"

5 Cute Cultural Icons We Want To Step On

Jon of the hit TLC television show "Jon & Kate Plus 8" is rumored to be cheating on his wife. How does he meet all those women?

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Cars

There are some truly vile, fiendishly precocious cultural monstrosities that we can't find a use for and that are just so damned adorable they need to be stepped on. Not only stepped on, stomped into the pavement until the cuteness oozes out from under our boots. Here's a list of some of the worst offenders.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Fast Food Nation

The movie "Cars," reduced to five panels and made much dumber.

May 2009 Movie Preview, Part 2

"Fast Food Nation," reduced to five comic panels and made much dumber.

Ideas For the Upcoming Blockbuster Film "Caddy-Shaq"

Previews for the movies coming out in the second half of May, including "Terminator Salvation," "Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian" and "Up."

The ISS Takes on: The Susan Boyle Phenomenon

The creative process for the movie event of human existence continues.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Stomp the Yard

To recap the last couple of weeks or so, for those of you who somehow missed it: A lady who resembles your Aunt Hilda if she never groomed her eyebrows went on the reality TV show "Britain's Got Talent," danced an incredibly disturbing dance and sang a pretty okay rendition of "I Dreamed a Dream" from "Les Miserables."

May 2009 Movie Preview, Part 1

"Stomp the Yard," reduced to five panels and made much dumber.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Little Miss Sunshine

The ISS looks forward to the movies of the first two weeks of May. Well, we don't actually look forward to them, per se. We preview them and make fun of their trailers, specifically. Including: "X-Men Origins: Wolverine," "Star Trek," "Angels & Demons," and more.

Great Works in Evil Literature: The Metamorphosis

"Little Miss Sunshine," cut down to five comic panels and made much dumber.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: Phone Booth

Welcome back to Great Works in Evil Literature, the only literature review that attempts to educate the insipid and incite mind-numbing despair at the same exact time. Today we're looking at Franz Kafka's The Metamorphosis.

Great Works in Evil Literature: The Marriage of Heaven and Hell

That terrible Joel Schumacher movie with Colin Farrell from a few years back, made into five panels and much dumber.

Single-Sentence Movie Synopses 3: Battle of the Bulges

This episode of Great Works in Evil Literature proves once and for all that villainy is destined to triumph over the forces of righteousness and justice. Suck it, heroes.

Monday Movie Re-Cut Comics: Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End

WARNING: This is not at all safe for work. I cannot stress how unsafe for work this is. Do not read this article at work or in the presence of anyone who may report you to your workplace as this article is inappropriate for a working environment.

Great Works in Evil Literature: The Duchess of Malfi

We take an already-dumb movie, "Pirates of the Carribean 3," cut it down to five panels, and make it dumber.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: 8 Mile

We're taking one last foray into the 17th century to mess around with sex, incest, violence, torture, and werewolves in John Webster's The Duchess of Malfi. Join me, won't you?

Great Works in Evil Literature: 'Tis Pity She's a Whore

The Eminiem life story classic "8 Mile," re-cut into a comic of five panels, and made much dumber.

April 2009 Movie Preview, Part 2

You... you're back? You're still reading these god-awful things? What the hell is the matter with you people? Don't you like nice, wholesome literature? Okay then, here's 'Tis Pity She's a Whore. It's pretty much as pleasant as the title indicates. Spoiler alert: unpleasant.

The 10 Most Eligible Bachelor-Monsters

Our look at the movies of the last two weeks of April: "State of Play," "Crank: High Voltage," "17 Again," "Obsessed," "The Soloist," and "Tyson."

Rejected Concepts For the Upcoming Blockbuster Film 'Caddy-Shaq'

Vampires always get the girl, don't they? But why should Dracula drain all the fun away for everyone else? Here are 10 other eligible monsters that could use some love, and the reasons why all the single ladies may want to ask one out this weekend.

ISS Mailbag: Nite Owl Coffee

We know you can't wait for the smash hit movie sensation of 2009, "Caddy-Shaq." But while you wait with bated breath, we thought we might give you a taste of what could have been. Perfection isn't reached easily, and the "Caddy-Shaq" concept went through lots of iterations before we got the film sensation we have today. Here's a peek.

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And then some are from internet sales juggernauts who want us sell us something we couldn't want less.

DOOM, 'Born Like This'

The Ultimate Warrior Reviews "The Wrestler"

DOOM's new album came out today. Cop that shit, son.

by The Indomitable Professor Universe

Just like Slate got wrestler Mick Foley to review "The Wrestler" soon after its release, we here at the ISS decided to anticipate its DVD release next month by asking one of our favorite wrestlers to do his own review.

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: 'Aladdin'

Great Works in Evil Literature: The Jew of Malta

"Aladdin," re-cut into five panels of comic and made much stupider.

April 2009 Movie Preview, Part 1

Welcome back for the second installment of Great Works in Evil Literature with Christopher Marlowe's The Jew of Malta. I'm your hostess, Lady Unpleasantries, and I loathe and despise every single one of you for making me write this out because you haven't read the originals yourself. Crack a book, damn it.

The ISS looks forward to the movies of the first two weeks of April. Well, we don't actually look forward to them, per se. We preview them and make fun of their trailers, specifically.

Dear Hollywood,

Who Shouldn't Watch the 'Watchmen'

I have an idea for a film that will make you untold billions perpetually for the next century or more. It's called "Caddy-Shaq."

Monday Movie Re-cut Comics: 'Super Size Me'

I sympathize, I really do. (Okay I don't. But my therapist told me if I want my henchmen to stop quitting I should at least try and fake it.) It must be difficult going through life without that review filter that most people have in their brains that lets them decide whether to vocalise inner thoughts. It must be hard having words and badly formed sentences spew from your semi-dribbling maw the very second they pop into your brain.

"Super-Size Me," re-cut into five-panel comic form and made much dumber.

No Comment Necessary

5 Great Live Albums from the 70's that Weren't Really Live

A picture that pretty much sums everything up nicely about the two topics involved.

by The Indomitable Professor Universe

Being venal, self-absorbed assholes, most bands in the 1970s were too coked out of their skulls to notice that their live shows kinda sucked outside the excitement and spectacle of the arena. Enter studio polishing. The following are five great albums that are live only in a very abstract ontological sense.

Questions Regarding the 'Miss March' Trailer

Great Works in Evil Literature: 'The Revenger's Tragedy'

The movie "Miss March," featuring two of The Whitest Kids U Know comedy troupe, opens Friday. We were confused by the trailer. Maybe they'll answer these.

Who Makes Excuses for Watchmen's Below-Expected Box Office Take?

Welcome to the first installment of Great Works in Evil Literature, bringing you the best in unpleasant written work and links to contemporary remakes for those of you too lazy to read the originals. Philistines. I dug through my massive library for all of twenty seconds to find today's spotlight. It's an obvious choice. The Revenger's Tragedy.

The Evil Guide To: Creating a Sitcom

Comic Book Resources does. That doesn't sound right. Do? Whatever. Hannibal Tabu, if that's his real name. He does. Mr. Tabu wants to defend poor little Warner Bros. and Paramount from the big, bad press, who have said that the $55 million opening weekend for "Watchmen" was on the low end of expectations. Most predicted it was going to make $60 million or more.

Commentary on Blunty3000's 'Watchmen' Video Review

So you wanna work in TV, huh?

You want to break the mold, create new genre-spanning shows packed with multi-faceted characters spitting witty, relevant, realistic dialogue as they explore real-world issues and… Oh. You just want to write some formulaic comedy dross in the hope of picking up desperate waitress/model/actresses? Well good, cause I got nothing on that first thing.

The Visceral Horrors of 'Watchmen' Movie Merchandise

"Watchmen" isn't out yet in the U.S., but it has premiered in some other countries, and some of the fawniest fanboys have already posted ooey-gooey video reviews all over the internet.

One we found was by PonderPop's Blunty3000. And we thought, hey, this nearly nine-minute-long commercial for the movie needed something more: Snarkiness.

As you may have heard, a little comic-book-based movie called "Watchmen" is coming out in two weeks.

And if the tie-in merchandise is any indication, it's going to be gouge-your-eyes-out terrifying. Join us in witnessing the horror, won't you?

Award Show Time-Killers

ISS Movie Re-cut Comics: Ah, Love

In honor of the Oscars broadcast Sunday, here are a few things you can do while watching the show so that the lengthy musical numbers where dancers interpretively portray a man aging backwards like in "Benjamin Button," the thank-you speeches full of names you've never heard before, and the sad, but sappy and overlong montage of people who died last year can only serve as background noise while you do something actually kind of entertaining.

ISS Movie Re-cut Comics: Historical(esque) Fiction!

In this recurring feature, we take already-existing movies and re-make them into something that's often much stupider.

Also, we reduce it to five frames and a completely different set of closing credits. Here, we celebrate Valentine's Day by taking on "romantic" movies.

The ISS Somewhat Late 2009 Winter Movie Preview

In this recurring feature, we take already-existing movies and re-make them into something that's often much stupider.

Also, we reduce it to five frames and a completely different set of closing credits. Here, we mangle (made-up) history even worse than Hollywood did.

Single-Sentence Movie Synopses II: The Subtitling

Despite our many letters asking them to cease and desist, Hollywood continues to keep churning out movies.

So we guess we're going to have to keep ridiculing them. Pity, that.

The ISS 2008 Year-In-Music Standardized Test

In case you haven't noticed:

We like shortening things to single sentences.

ISS Movie Re-Cut Comics: Superhero Stupidity

You may have your favorite albums, but how much do you really know about the year in music?

Take our (evil) 2008 Year-in-Music Standardized Test to see how your knowledge stacks up.

The ISS 2008 Holiday Movie Preview

In this recurring feature, we take already-existing movies and re-make them into something that's often much stupider.

Also, we reduce it to five frames and a completely different set of closing credits. Here, as usual, we take on superheroes.

ISS Halloween Extra!: Five Life Lessons I Learned from Horror Movies

As the year presses on to a close, Hollywood's really churning out the awards bait. From World War II to high inspirational drama to animated fare, studios are clamoring for those little bald, gold men. But don't worry, the movies are all still terrible and deserve ridicule. So here's some.

by Xero Watt Bulb

Critics often say there's nothing to be learned from horror movies, but we think they're pretty educational.

The only thing is, they teach you about very specific situations that you may think unlikely to happen. Anyway, here are five circumstances I am entirely prepared for.

ISS Movie Re-Cut Comics: Halloween Horror!

The Horrors of Horror: 5 Reasons Scary Movies Suck

In this new recurring feature, we take already-existing movies and re-make them into something that's often much stupider.

Also, we reduce it to five frames and a completely different set of closing credits.

by Dr. Short Attention Span

The only real horror movie directors alive today are George Romero and That other guy whose name escapes me at the moment. You know, that one dude. He directed that one thing. With the guy.

But we all already know that. So I'm about to go in depth with what exactly is so terrifying about horror movies as they are now: They're terrible.

A Film Critic Who Is Slowly Becoming a Zombie Reviews This Summer's Blockbusters

The ISS 2008 Fall Movie Preview

Did you hear the one about the film critic who got bitten by a zombie?

Apparently, his employers made him continue working so he could keep getting health insurance. Zombieism is an expensive malady to have.

Movie Special Editions That Aren't So Special

It's fall, that time of the year when the movie studios stop putting out movies for the majority of the population (action movies for meatheads and comedies for idiots) and start releasing prestige films they want to promote as possible Oscar winners (whiny period pieces, and biopics about dead musicians and the mentally handicapped).

Which leads us to ask the question: Why are these terrible movies coming out?

5 Reasons the Makers of 'Disaster Movie' Must Be Murdered

Sometimes, for a movie’s DVD release or theatrical reissue, the filmmakers will add some previously unseen scenes and call it a “special edition."

The trouble is some of these movies are only special in the same way that the kid in the back row who ate all the paste was “special.” Here, we present some of the worst offenders.

Are They Training to Destroy Us?: Olympic Athletes and Their Superhero Counterparts

This weekend, "Disaster Movie," a film (if I can use that term) that spoofs virtually no actual disaster movies and instead re-imagines the "Sex and the City" characters as men in drag as if that were the peak of high comedy, pulled in $6.9 million at the box office. We're evil and all, but even we think that's too much to stomach. So let's kill the guys that made it.

by The Merchant of Menace

So we've been watching this year's Olympics, and though NBC thought they could get it by us, we've noticed that the whole ordeal seems to be, and maybe has been for decades, a training ground for superheroes.

With that in mind, here are our prime-suspect superheroes from this year's Games, and a superhero he or she (or they) might try to emulate.

Movie Superheroes Who Are Also Jerks

5 Changes That Would Spice Up the Next Olympics

We have made serious efforts to meticulously document the douchebag and/or bitch proclivities of a number of members of the superheroic community.

But that was just comics. What, you didn't think they were total jerks in the movies, too? Well, they are. And here's the undeniable proof.

Place Your Bets: 15 Villains Who May (or May Not) Appear in the Next Batman Movie

The Summer Games in Beijing are under way, and though they've already had more than their share of deadly stabbings and lip-syncing, several things are missing from the XXIX Olympiad that we feel ought to be included to make them something other than cure for insomnia.

And since the Olympic Committee has failed to reply our e-mails and stopped answering our phone calls months ago, here, in this public forum, are our demands for the 2012 London Games.

The ISS Extremely Late 2008 Summer Movie Preview Part 2

It made more money than God and everything, but, frankly, "The Dark Knight" was so six days ago. I think we can all collectively now say, "Two-Face who?"

As such, we've decided to set the odds for who will be taking the mantle of the next villain to try to rid the world of the heinous scourge known as The Batman.

The ISS Extremely Late 2008 Summer Movie Preview (Review?) Part 1

In our previous installment of the movie preview (a delightful journey back in time to the first half of the summer), we made fun of a whole bunch of films that had already come out.
Here, we make fun of movies that haven't. So it's totally different.

Spring Training at a Glance: The National League

Okay, yes, we're, like, three months late with this movie guide. We're sorry. But we seriously had this plan that was going to wipe out the entire eastern seaboard and replace all the people with our automatons. ...Shit. We were playing Grand Theft Auto IV. But hey! Now we're back. And here's some jokes about the movies from May to mid-July. You know, the ones that you've already seen.

by Darth Obvius

For everyone not in Japan, the baseball season is right around the corner. In the second part of our spring training recap, The-ISS sees what the Cactus League revealed for the teams that let their pitchers "bat."

Spring Training at a Glance: The American League

by Darth Obvius

Pull up those stirrups, America's national pastime is back. What can fans, and Congressmen, expect this season? The-ISS takes a sneak peek.

Lines From Patrick Swayze Movies That Intimidate Cancer

Single-Sentence Synopses of Popular Films

Cancer, apparently, hasn't seen "Roadhouse." If it had, this disease would know when to stay home.

Because Patrick Swayze doesn't take guff from cancer.

My Foolproof Plan To End the Writers Strike

We quickly summarize (mostly) good films so you don't have to watch them.

Some of them, we just ruin. Enjoy!

by The Taxidermist

I don't care what it takes, I'm going to get you your scripted TV back.

These nine steps ought to do it.

The ISS 2008 Winter/Spring Movie Preview

Other Movies That Will Probably Soon Be Getting 'Final' Cuts

We tried our damnedest to preview every movie coming out over the next four months, but while we were working on this we stumbled upon the fact that Rob Schneider is not just in a movie set for release at the end of April called "Big Stan," but that he directed it. Horrified by the prospect of a world in which Schneider-directed movies can exist, we went into a three-day coma. But luckily, we wrote some snarky comments about other movies before that happened.

5 Band Naming Conventions That Are Henceforth Forbidden

Last month, Warner Home Video graced the world with yet another version of "Blade Runner." Now fans can delight in the fact that they indeed have a "final" cut, which is basically the director's cut with prettier colors and a couple shots added in.

Noting this true passion for art, other studios have since (probably) decided to release so-called final cuts of films which have multiple cuts floating around the ether of fandom. Here are several examples of what they most likely have coming down the pike.

by The Indomitable Professor Universe

Musicians are a lazy bunch. They focus their energy on writing songs or being a kickass keyboard player or whatever, and when the time comes to name the group or solo undertaking they seem to be content to brand themselves with overused, hackneyed terms.

But they wouldn't have to explain themselves at every turn if their name didn't totally suck. To remedy the situation, here are a few words that shouldn't even enter your mind when trying to name a band.

2007 Year-in-Music Standardized Test

The ISS Not Even Close To Thorough 2007 Holiday Movie Preview

Get your No. 2 pencils ready, and see just how closely you were paying attention to popular music this year.

Eight Bands That May Add the Word “Black” to Their Name

Much like our look a few months ago at this fall's movies, we decided pretty quickly when we started taking a look at all the movies coming out this holiday season that there are just too damn many, and some of them we didn't really feel like writing jokes about.
But some of them, we did! So here are those.

Upcoming Writer-Free Episodes of Your Favorite TV Shows

Chicks and dudes alike prefer bands with the word "black" in the name.
It's a fact. Just ask will.i.am.

Hazardous Objects Commonly Hidden in Halloween Candy

Television writers may be on strike, but that doesn't mean your favorite shows have to go off the air. TV executives have plenty of ideas for new episodes of all of America's favorite shows. Here's what you can expect to see over the next few months, as the well runs dry.

Mean-Spirited Obituary Headlines Celebrity Bloggers Will Likely Someday Use

Neighborhood creeps are finding new ways to tamper with Halloween candy putting sugar-loving children and parents in danger. The following list has been assembled for your protection.

Trendy Halloween Costumes for 2007

What will celebrity gossip bloggers say when the most famous of us kick the bucket?

Our guess is that it will be totally bitchy.

Innovative Ways In Which Future Radiohead Albums Will Be Released

Halloween is here and that means you need a costume. In fact, you not only need a Halloween costume, but you need a current costume.

Otherwise, people will hate you.

Other, Lesser Known Curses Afflicting the Chicago Cubs

Now that Radiohead has revolutionized the way records can be released, how can they top themselves next time around? Can they possibly do it? Don't worry, they've got some ideas.

Commonly Used Rock Critic Descriptions for Bands That Don’t Really Tell You Anything About the Band

The Chicago Cubs haven't won a World Series since 1908. Many blame the Curse of the Billy Goat. As they enter this year's playoffs, they will have to overcome this infamous curse, and a few others, to become world champions. What follows is a guide for new and old fans.

The ISS Intentionally Non-Thorough 2007 Fall Movie Preview

Some critics are able to overcome these handicaps and keep us posted on the latest and greatest music. Most, however, manage to turn thoughtful essays about contemporary rock into irrelevant, navel-gazing diary entries. They are familiar with the following:

I Can't Stay Somber Around You, Maggie Gyllenhaal

When the Evil Editorial Board here at The ISS decided to preview all of this fall's upcoming movies, we quickly came to the realization that Hollywood puts out a holy hell of a lot of stuff. There's like, three or four every week, at least! And so, we decided to just talk about the ones we felt like in this preview of the films coming out over the next three months or so, two of which inexplicably star The Rock.

Holding 'Em, Folding 'Em, Etc.: Your Guide To Winning At Poker

Please don’t take this the wrong way. I wanted to follow the director’s instructions, I really did. And I know that people don’t regularly smile during public funerals. But Maggie Gyllenhaal, I just can’t stay somber around you.

by Baron Von Monocle

Every personality has strengths and mine are perfectly suited for playing the game of rekop - the exact opposite of poker. I have the attention span of a hummingbird in a blender, the pattern recognition of nineteen year old mother-of-three and the ability to transmit my emotions to people who aren't even in the room. There hasn't been a worse combination of skills and occupation since the case of the kleptomaniac bomb disposal expert. I've been forced to work harder and smarter to develop strategies for the green felt table, strategies I will now share. You're welcome.

The Only 10 Ways Daft Punk Could Improve Their Set at Lollapalooza

Rejected Endings for "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows"

Anyone at Lollapalooza, or anyone who has seen Daft Punk before, knows their show knows no equal. Their set was in a league of its own. It was untoppable, unless one of the following measures is taken.

Sexual Complaints From My Ex-Girlfriends Delivered By Film Critics

The ending of the final chapter of the final book of the Harry Potter series was kept hidden until the eve of its anticipated release. What could not be kept secret from The ISS are these endings, rejected from the final draft by author J.K. Rowling and recently stolen from underneath her bed.