International Society of Supervillains

ISS Mailbag: Free Gay Web Chat

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of them are in Portuguese and we can't understand them.

The ISS Takes On: Sex Robots

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of them try to get us to use their sticky, robust chat programs.

ISS Mailbag: A Note From Steve Martin

Still have faith in humanity? Tough.

7 Things We Don't Want to See in 2010

Steve Martin drops us a line, propositions us, does an hilarious bit.

Villains Opine on: Christmas Decorations, Part 2

Please make these things go away next year. Please.

Part 2 of our bullet-infused look at the shit you put up around this time of year.

ISS Mailbag: Iraqi Money

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of them try to sell us on some sweet Iraqi gold.

ISS Mailbag: Swim Team

Color Some Pictures, Win Some Awesome Books

Fred, Fred, Fred. What are we going to do with you?

Villains Opine on: Christmas Decorations, Part 1

Do some coloring, win some free autographed books. It's that easy.

ISS Mailbag: Merry Foot-Christmas

The first part of our well-researched look at the stuff you put all over your house this time of year.

The ISS Takes on: CNN's Assessment of the Tiger Woods Car-Crash Incident

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of make us feel about our feet.

ISS Mailbag: Pharmaceutical Regulations

CNN.com brought in their legal expert to tell you all kinds of in-depth stuff about the Tiger Woods crash from last Friday, like how it's embarrassing for him and he can't figure out how to explain it.

The ISS Takes On: Juggalo Furries

Apparently the rules for selling prescription drugs online changed Nov. 1. Thankfully, this guy alerted us on Nov. 2.

Villains Opine on: Writing Utensils

Short and to the point.

The pen is mightier than the sword. And so we award bullets to it and its brethren.

ISS Mailbag: Coke Award

The ISS Guide to Trick-or-Treaters

In this installment, Coke of Hong Kong offers us AIDS dollars.

How to deal with these odd, costumed tiny ones? Most people just give them candy and send them on their way. But those people are lazy and foolish. Trick-or-treaters are devious and harmful people. It's right there in what they say! They wish to trick you and take what's yours. Protect yours. Follow these tips.

ISS Mailbag: Poe-Mails

The ISS Takes on: The Word "Mouth"

Edgar Allan Poe's ghost lives! As a spammer.

ISS Mailbag: Angelita Martinez Albatross

Probably the dirtiest post in this site's history.

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of them move way too fast for us.

ISS Mailbag: Data Entry

The ISS Takes on: Those Miracle Whip Commercials Aimed at Hipsters

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of them clue us into the lucrative world of GLOBAL DATA ENTRY.

ISS Mailbag: Protecting the Trademark

The worst thing to do to try to win over hipsters is to advertise to them.

Villains Opine on: Euphemisms for Male Genitalia

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of them are from the internet police, who have so got our backs.

ISS Mailbag: Russian Dating Site

The only time you'll ever see us put our junk this close to bullets.

Villains Opine on: Non-Letter Keyboard Keys, Part 2

A short one this week, from an apologetic Russian dating service.

ISS Mailbag: A Note From Zolll

In which we finish the opinions thing about keyboard keys we started in May, then totally forgot about.

Villainous Recommendations: 'The State' on DVD

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of them are from evil space emperors who want to be our friends.

ISS Mailbag: Food Abstention

Why do we evilly recommend this comedy series from the early '90s? Because it was funny, you dolts. And it was on MTV, so it was clearly evil as well.

Villains Opine on: Planets and Other Stuff in the Solar System, Part 2

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of them set us up to provide some really, really bad nutritional advice.

We go out into the far end of the solar system to distribute bullets.

ISS Mailbag: Beneficiary

ISS Mailbag: Answers to Questions Posed in Spam Subject Lines

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of them let us know about rich relatives we never knew we had.

Villains Opine on: Planets and Other Stuff in the Solar System, Part 1

Who needs full e-mails? Here, we look at the lost art of the subject line, and answer the deep questions within them.

ISS Mailbag: The Most Incredible E-mail Ever, Part 4

In this recurring feature on The ISS, we give our thoughts about anything that springs to mind. Here, we look at the first half of all the junk in our galactic home.

ISS Mailbag: The Most Incredible E-mail Ever, Part 3

The thrilling conclusion to the most amazing e-mail ever sent on the internet.

Villains Opine on: Ice Cream Flavors

We're now three-fourths of the way through the longest, craziest e-mail ever sent.

ISS Mailbag: The Most Incredible E-mail Ever, Part 2

In this recurring feature on The ISS, we give our thoughts about anything that springs to mind. Here, rate the various flavors of the best dessert food there is.

Excerpts From My New Biography of Aaron Copland Titled, "America's Meat Composer"

The second part of our look at, and subsequent ridicule of, the greatest e-mail ever to grace our inbox.

ISS Mailbag: The Most Incredible E-mail Ever, Part 1

No one wrote as many pieces of music about meat as Aaron Copland did, and no one ever will again.

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of them are book-length manifestos that we have to break up into four parts just to mock. This is one of those.

DOOM

ISS Mailbag: Instant Diplomas

This is so beautiful that we each shed a single tear.

Villains Opine on: Things That Can Be Worn On and About the Head, Part 2

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of them just won't fucking shut up! God!

More rubbish Super Heroes

In this recurring feature on The ISS, we give our thoughts about anything that springs to mind. Here, we look at more things you could wear on your head, if so inclined. Note that our ratings are given in terms of bullets, which, for us, are about as good as things get.

Villains Opine on: Things That Can Be Worn on and About the Head, Part 1

Oh, we laugh at the superheroes on The World Superhero Register. As we should, we're Supervillians. And man, do they suck. But spare a though for these pathetic 'heroes' too lousy to even get onto that low-rent list.

ISS Mailbag: Website Placement

In this recurring feature on The ISS, we give our thoughts about anything that springs to mind. Here, we look at a few things you could wear on your head, if so inclined. Note that our ratings are given in terms of bullets, which, for us, are about as good as things get.

SEO SEO SEO SEO

The ISS Takes on: Drank

Drank is a canned, perfectly legal beverage meant to act as a substitute for the far-more-dangerous and therefore far-more-cool "purple drank --" also known as "purple stuff," "syrup," "sizzurp," and "lean" -- a concoction containing cough syrup, among other things, that makes its drinkers move and talk real slow, because apparently Southern rappers didn't speak slowly enough already. The canned version contains far less threatening ingredients, like valerian root and rose hips, but claims to have the same effect of "slowing your roll." Of course, we thought it only fitting to test this Drank on ourselves.

Who Watches... the Hell?

ISS Mailbag: Classy, Professional Watches

It's a burlesque stage version of Watchmen. Apparently, someone read a dense and multifaceted graphic novel deconstructing the American ideals of iconic heroism and responded "Dammit, I can't masturbate to this!".

An Open Letter To A Functionally Retarded Passenger

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of them compliment us on the high-quality watches we're selling.

ISS Mailbag: Congratulations!

Normally I'm more apt to go after the driver of vehicles who seem to be wholly unaware of the regulations instituted for the safety of everyone on the road. Most of the time I'm not that concerned with anyone else's safety because, let's face it, I'm evil and I pretty much want to kill all humans. You though, Functionally Retarded Passenger, have a special place in my heart.

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of them let us know we've won money, apparently.

ISS Mailbag: Semen Pills

ISS Mailbag: Celebrity Photos

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of them want to make us think that spewing out gallons of semen is a good way to attract ladies.

ISS Mailbag: Beat the Recession!

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of us want to to tell us about constant photography.

Villains Opine on: Non-Letter Keyboard Keys, Part 1

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some try to get us involved in the worldwide drug trade.

You Love Us Because You Have A Disorder

An enlightening look at six keyboard keys that aren't letters.

Hybristophilia. Know what that is? If you're reading this website, chances are that you have it. Are you disturbed yet? Keep reading.

ISS Mailbag: Galaxiki

The End Is Nigh, and I Cannot Lie

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some represent an evil even we find sickening. This is one of those.

by The Computer King

Thoughts on global destruction, Spongebob and Sir Mix-A-Lot.

ISS Mailbag: Russianese?

How To Dump a Partner the ISS Way

Recently, I've been getting a lot of emails in my Society account that are all completely in Russian. At first, I thought it was an email from some of our foreign Society members who may have been trying to contact us and fill us in on any valuable information they may have attained after capturing (and subsequently losing) a high profile British agent.

Twitter Stupidity: More Like DONGtor Puppykicker

As a supervillian you will learn that members of the opposite sex will be lining up to throw themselves at you- either because of your wealth, power and general awesomeness or alternatively because you have a team loading them into catapults. To truly capitalize upon this it may become necessary to "lose" the partner you had back before you discovered your calling.

Help the ISS in its campaign to expand its dominion over other websites, and to finally post nudity on the internet, where it so rightly belongs.

Ask the Reverend #2

5 Latter-Day Frankensteins

Dear Readers, Apparently, my last advice column was a HUGE success. The amount of mail in my inbox was unprecedented! And of course, before this weeks column, I'd like to give credit to those who have helped make this column a success...the makers of Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey. I couldn't have done it without you. Now...on to the column.

Contrary to what many people think, Frankenstein wasn't the name of the monster in Mary Shelley's famed novel, but the scientist who created him. But there have been other, non-fictional scientists who, attempting to invent stuff to make the world a better place, have seen their creations rise off the slab and lurch down towards the village.

Dear Reverend Rogue,

ISS Mailbag: I'm a Winna!

Our new advice column by the Righteous Reverend Rogue.

An Open Letter to an Incompetent ITS Man

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of them let us know we're big winners. We like those.

The ISS Takes on: April Fool's Day

Attention ITS: be very, very, very careful when someone calls your department to discuss problems with your software that damaged her computer. You may be talking to a supervillain, and she's probably pretty pissed.

Evil Advice that Actually Makes the World a Better Place: Stealing Flowers from Graves

As you may have noticed if you went to just about any site on the internet last week, April Fool's Day was last Wednesday. Hell, even we got in on the action, trading sites with a superhero. There's nothing wrong with prankery on April Fool's Day -- some of them are actually pretty good. But most of them aren't.

Villainous Recommendations: "Captain Freedom"

I know, I know- sounds harsh; but hear me out. See it's the giving of the flowers that is the important thing. The giving makes the giver feel good. The dead don't care. Trust me. I asked them. The dead don't want flowers, the dead want tasty, tasty brains.

Variations on "2 Girls 1 Cup"

On Wednesday, a capricious and reckless superhero by the name of Captain Freedom took over our site for a day before we kicked him out and returned him to his hovel of a blog, which we had incidentally seized. During our time at his headquarters, as we suffered from having to deal with the horrors of sunlight, we came across this book.

Hey, remember that "2 Girls 1 Cup" video? It was the height of gross-out viewing, but it was so 2007-2008, you know? We need new, even more disgusting and/or weird videos in 2009, internet. So here's some ideas for ways to expand on the theme. 2 Girls 0 Cups "Have you found it yet?" "No--have you looked in the sock drawer??"

ISS Mailbag: Advertising

ISS/Captain Freedom Takeovers: The Commentary

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of them try to get us into busines. Yes, busines. With one s. This is one of those.

There Is Such a Thing As A Free Lunch

It's been a busy week here at the ISS. As many of you may have noticed, April 1st was a day of great strife here, as our lair was taken over by Captain Freedom!!! Many of you probably read the posts that awful wretch of a "Super-Hero" wrote, but it's possible you may have missed where the real strife was taking place...in the COMMENTS sections!

As long as it's a sandwich made of books and podcasts! Before I sign off I'd like to make a peace offering to my enemies and their starry-eyed, somewhat dim followers.

The Code of the Hero

Ask The Superhero: Taking Over Enemy Websites

In the comments of this very stench-ridden web-sty, your own Lady U suggested that you had vanquished me simply because I suggested that blackmail was reasonable to prevent the deaths of civilians. It is time, then that I explain the Code of the Hero.

Even in the Current Economy, Crime Doesn't Pay

Dear Captain Freedom: You seem to know absolutely nothing about technology and yet you somehow managed to take over your enemy's website. Bravo. My question is this: Are you so desperate for attention that you have to resort to website hacking, which is the technical equivalent of flashing the paparazzi while wearing a miniskirt with no underwear? --Ignominy S. Crotchbaron, ESQ Outer Latveria

The ISS Takes on: Twitter

In the current economy I've read story after story of people, ordinary citizens like you and me, well, perhaps, not like me unless you could bench-press a train station while it's on fire, but regular people who have fallen into the temptations of crime. To all of you who find your 401k to have gone south of Tierra Del Fuego and are currently dancing the lambada with the Emperor Penguins, I say, LO! All is not lost! There is still Good in the World! Take, for example, the Fluffernutter!

Marc E. Nibbleshvitz vs. Chuck Norris

We already had our problems with Twitter. First, there were all those news stories about how politicians were Twittering and shit during Obama's joint speech to Congress. Then on "Access Hollywood" and "Ellen" and all kinds of other shows your mom watches, they were all talking about Twitter like it was the next Clay Aiken or something. And then...ohhhh, then. They suspended our Twitter account.

Circumstances in Which Gmail's Undo Feature Could Come in Handy

Marc E. Nibbleshvitz sat in his easy chair and watched Delta Force for the 247th time. Why is it, he wondered, that Chuck Norris gets the international reputation as the manliest of men? What's he got that I don't got?

ISS Mailbag: The Naked Canadian

Google's Gmail service recently began offering users the ability to take back sent messages. Sure, you only get five seconds to do it after you push the send button, but it could still be pretty useful in some situations. Here, we list just a few.

Sometimes Villains Get In Trouble, Too...

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of them bring the unfulfilled promise of nudity from north of the border. This is one of those.

The All-Villain Baseball Team

Look, nobody's perfect. Sometimes, people get carried away promoting their creative projects and they forget the rules. It happens. It doesn't make us any less of what we are if, say, hypothetically, a supervillain were to extend politeness and maybe just a teensy little bit of forgiveness to a would-be hero in exchange for some free promotion on various Twitter feeds or something, it doesn't make her less evil, okay?

Villains Opine on: Signs of the Zodiac, Part 2

"HEY, this is Nicholas Scratch, comin' atcha dead from Satan Stadium in bee-yoo-tiful downtown H-E-double hockey sticks, East Netherworld. "It's the bottom of the first. Pol Pot sits behind the dish, catching warmup pitches from 'Terrible' Ivan Vasilyevich IV, perched atop the pitcher's mound of skulls. Pot was a bust at the plate in the top of the inning, grounding into a double play..."

Villains Opine on: Signs of the Zodiac, Part 1

We finish out our look at the 12 signs of the zodiac, and which of the bunch would win in a huge fight between them.

Other Super-Convenient Applications Coming Soon from Google

In this recurring feature on The ISS, we give our thoughts about anything that springs to mind. Here, we look at those people and animals who are apparently in the stars somehow. Note that our ratings are given in terms of bullets, which, for us, are about as good as things get.

7 Ways Real Life Would Be Worse if It Was More Like Twitter

This week, Google unveiled Google Voice, a wonderous new application that basically acts as a clearinghouse for all your phone communication, because who can handle having three different phones, voice mail and text messaging? It's too hard for even Stephen Hawking, we bet. But what about all those other complicated things we have to deal with in life? Google has some stuff in mind for that, too.

7 Ways Real Life Would Be Better if It Was More Like Twitter

Twitter. It has overtaken our lives.

And for what have we allowed that to happen? Disappointment and heartache, that's what. Here's what our lives would be like if we were stuck in a Twitterverse all day, every day.

An Open Letter to an Angry Motorist

Ah, Twitter. We don't really remember what life was like before it.

But we certainly know the experience of life without it, during those times when we're not in front of a computer or our mobile device. It's horrible. Here's why it would be better if life was like Twitter 24/7.

Villains Opine On: Things Vegetarians Don't Eat

Attention, drivers: Be careful when you're out there on the road, screaming your head off at the person in front of you.

Because you might just be behind a supervillain.

ISS Mailbag: Sex-o-holics

In this recurring feature on The ISS, we give our thoughts about anything that springs to mind. Here, it's a subject that's kind of broad.

Note that our ratings are given in terms of bullets, which, for us, are about as good as things get.

8 Tips For Winning an Argument on the Internet

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us.

And some of them try to sell us on terrible crap. Here, some lady tries to get us to hang around people who are addicted to sexohol.

by Dr. Inside-Out

Whether it's on a forum or in a chat room, arguments and flame wars break out across the internet all the time. They're hilarious, because often the participants are morons.

But what if someone presents an opinion which opposes yours? What do you do? respect their point of view and move on? Hell No! You tell them how wrong they are! You defend your opinion to the death!

The Righteous Reverend Rogue's Guide To Dating (For Men): Chapter 1

7 Things We Don't Want To See in 2009

Don't be fooled by his ecumenical name. The ISS's Reverend Rogue has a wealth of knowledge about women (and their boobs).

And he can tell you: When it comes to evil, supervillains ain't got nothing on a pissed-off girlfriend.

Consumer Goods I Am Sure Will Someday Make Me a Million Dollars

2008 is over, and I think we'd all like to forget it.

But some things, we'd like to forget more than others. Because we enjoy torturing ourselves, here's a reminder of those things.

The Twelve Days of Christmas: A Supervillain's Perspective

Hey folks, it's a tough economy.

And these death rays aren't going to pay for themselves.

How To Survive Your Office Holiday Party

This year, make it a traditional Christmas.

Buy your true love birds (which they don't need), rings and slaves (which they haven't been legally able to own for 150 years).

A Chapter from The Freelance Writer's Guide to Aspiration

The Christmas Season is creeping upon us and with it the requirement to spend even more time with the people that you already spend 62 percent of your waking life with.

But beware! Christmas parties are fraught with pitfalls. To help you people get through this I've compiled a few tips to ensure that you glide through the festive season with both arms intact.

Villains Opine on: Recreational Non-Sports

Hey, you! Aspiring writer! Have you ever wanted to have an article published in The New Yorker?

Of course you have. So why not let someone who never got past three issues of CRACKED to help you on your way?

ISS Mailbag: Dating Service

In this recurring feature on The ISS, we give our thoughts about anything that springs to mind. Here, it's games that aren't really sports, but are sport-like. (For a shameless traffic boost, we have included pictures of girls in bikinis.)

Note that our ratings are given in terms of bullets, which, for us, are about as good as things get.

Villains Opine On: Parts of American Culture Taken from Mexican Culture

Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us.

And some of them try to sell us on terrible crap. Here, a former vice presidential candidate tries to get us to do some online dating.

by Dr. Short Attention Span

Some people right now have a hard time remembering that Mexico has contributed a lot more to the United States than just a bunch of people who came to "take err jobs" which no one else will do.

Hey, folks: They also gave us tacos.

Justified Cannibalism: 6 Situations In Which I Would Gladly Consume You

by Herringbone

It's hard to say whether this is more funny or horrifying.

But either way, we feel that we've done our job here.

An Excerpt From My Upcoming Novel About a Robot Who Believes He Is Dying of Cholera

Chapter 10: And So Comes the News

In case you were wondering, chapters 1-9 are mainly Doctor Who fan-fiction.

Hyper-Ironic T-Shirts

Personal Profiles of Women in Dating Service Banner Ads

Friends, I have seen the future of hipster fashion. Yes, the ironic t-shirt has dominated the elitist music nerd community for years now. But it will not be long before the irony trend is replaced by Hyper irony. It looks as though the shirts ought to be a reference to something, but they aren't. It looks like you should understand what they mean, but they don't mean anything.

Behold the meta-ness.

When you're browsing the web and looking at the ubiquitous dating site ads on just about every site there is, you may ask if the models in those ads actually have profiles on their sites. You probably figured they didn't, given that most of the people on dating sites are hideous and smell bad.

But we found a handful of profiles online, and here's the proof.

Hate Letters

Villains Opine on: Types of Liquor

Eric and Vanessa may be able to work things out.

Okay, maybe not.

Letters I Sent to Dear Abby, But Were Never Published for Some Reason

In this recurring feature on The ISS, we give our thoughts about anything that springs to mind. Here, it's liquor, which springs to mind often.

Note that our ratings are given in terms of bullets, which, for us, are about as good as things get.

Villains Opine on: Potato Chip Flavors

I have no idea why Abby never published these letters, which all expressed genuine problems I was having at the time.

She must have something against villains.

Passe Places to Commit Suicide

In this not-at-all recycled new feature on The ISS, we give our thoughts about anything that springs to mind.

Note that our ratings are given in terms of bullets, which, for us, are about as good as things get.

by The Indomitable Professor Universe

So, you've decided to end your own life. Congratulations. I'm impressed with your rare combination of can-do attitude and maudlin self-absorption. Doubtlessly, you will want your last act on this mortal coil to grandly remind everyone how much they took you for granted, but in today's media-savvy society the classics just don't grab the attention they used to.

Other Blogs Soon To Stereotype Non-Minority Groups

5 Ways To Use 'Ironically' Incorrectly

The often-hilarious blog Stuff White People Like has taught us (along with years of watching Comic View), that it's okay to stereotype people, just as long as they're not traditional minorities.

With that in mind, we've decided to go ahead and create a few more blogs that follow in the footsteps of Stuff White People Like, a blog white people love, because they hate themselves.

Private Dick Chronicles

by The Delusionist

A mysterious client comes to professional private eye and full-time lush Sam Ladle with an unusual case.

(Apologies to anyone who ended up here via a Google search for "dick chronicles.")

by Dr. Evil Pants

If irony was currency, it'd be worth about a buck-oh-five right about now. And you know why? Because nobody knows what it is anymore.

As proof, here are five ways in which people regularly butcher the form.

7 Things We Don't Want To See in 2008

Excerpts From Lower Middle-Class Harold's Almanack

With 2007 behind us, we villains have decided that it's time for the world to put some things behind them, too. They were all wonderful and great last year, but now it's time to put these seven things to bed.

Or we'll put them to bed for you.

Words of wisdom: The cock crows at every sunrise, but that doesn't mean you should ever stab yourself in the face.

Farmers are going to love this.

Eulogy

Ten Other Products That Work Every Time

A touching remembrance.

With audio!

by M. Tyrone Darklord

Billy Dee Williams and Colt 45 aren't the only ones that work every time.

Believe that.

Hrothgar Svjord: Officemax Viking!

These Jokes Brought To You By Kellogg's

It's about this viking who works at Officemax, and he's like, he's got this axe and he talks funny and stuff.

Oh, and he decapitates people. That's important.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a bowl of Corn Flakes?
A: One has tusks and a trunk, the other is a part of this complete breakfast.

We will literally do anything for money.

Comedy of Manners

Sir, This Masking Tape Is Just Not Up To My Standards

We've thought and thought about how we were going to introduce this piece, and so far this is the best we could come up with:

We're sorry.

The ISS Presents... What Words Mean: Cete

Look, Jared, I've been standing in line here for about four hours now, so I'd prefer you pay attention. I bought this roll of Stik 'n' Stay masking tape here yesterday and, son, I'm just going to put it out there for you. This is some of the most embarrassing masking tape I've seen in my entire life.

by Junior Demento

Because we're about learning as well as evil, we present this helpful definition guide laying out all the nuances of the word cete, a noun most commonly meaning "a number of badgers together."
Part one in a series of possibly more than one parts about words and stuff.

The Montessori Circus

by M. Tyrone Darklord

In the center ring I present our head animal trainer, Dallas Montgomery, and his mighty African elephants. Watch, as Dallas, using only his wits, tames the mighty beasts. Or, if he chooses, he may go play at the water station.

Austin, I Am Telling You For the Last Time

Kids these days. Am I right?

Am I right, folks?

Heart Disease Follies